I've been feeling really depressed lately, so much so I've been having suicidal thoughts...but we all know I'm way too afraid of hell to actually kill myself. They will just be dark morbid fantasies...and for some reason, whenever I picture myself dead, it would be firstly because I was diagnosed with an incurable disease or run over by a car, then I'm left in a state of disability and spontaneously decide to off myself...I think my conscious is trying to justify my evil acts. Suicide is basically murder..self murder but still that same thing.
I have no idea where this depression stems from. It's like a poison, I can feel it coursing through me;tainting every thought. It started ever since I came back to Malaysia. I think I feel robbed, like the universe cut the time I should've had with my family, but I left on a happy note. Usually I'd be openly depressed on the day of departure and wallow in grief for a few days before pulling myself back together. But this time, the farewell seemed permanent; like this was the last time I was going to see them. I have this horrible feeling in my gut that something dreadful is about to happen. I want to say I'm being superstitious but I don't really believe that I am.
I feel so distant with everyone.
Sometimes I wonder if we all see the same things.
