Still Here.

Yes, I'm still alive.
Though at this point I wonder why even journal my life with a blog. The answer of course is because my actual journal is almost full and I'm still trying to keep that for future memories. Right now It's stuff with ticket stubs, receipts and photographs. So every other mundane thought has to put somewhere, and I'm not about to get 2 journals, because that would mean I'd eventually treat the second as equally revered as the first.
I have this weird thing where I tend to nice to inanimate objects. I sometimes feel bad when I drop a book or something, as if I'd dropped a small animal.

On the plus side, I've finished Gears of War. It's a game, in case there was any misunderstanding. Why does this deserve recognition you ask? (you probably didn't but I'd like to think you were curious) Well, for as long as I could remember, I would start a new game, bubbling with optimistic enthusiasm that this would be the one that would give me sweet release from the doldrums of my life, even for a moment, but then it would lose all appeal. Whenever I'd play again, it felt like a chore, not entertainment. For movies and books though this rule  has no application. When I start reading a series I HAVE to finish it, so much so that when they series gets cancelled along the way I'd create a fan fiction ending so that I can have closure.  But back to the main point. I finished Gears of War! The first game since forever where I actually started and ended. I don't know, it feels like I've accomplished something here.

That's about it I guess. Just wanted to announce my existence.

Smart phone awesome

Blogging on my phone. Smart phone are seriously getting more awesome with each passing day. Though I have the most smallest keypad so that's proving to be an issue, but nothing that patience and autocorrect can't handle.

It's just 5...am...

So now I'm seriously starting to think that I have a problem with sleep. It's 5am now and I should be rolling over and spouting gibberish from all the lack of sleep I've been having but nothing.
I don't even feel sleepy.
And what do I do when I don't sleep? Nothing..absolutely nothing.
I feel like I could be spending the time painting or writing, but I have no ideas. I want to write so many stories but there comes a time when I have no idea what happens next.
I think I went into this writing thing too young. How can I write what happens next if I never even really got there myself.
I seem to be rambling about writing a lot recently. What's up with that?
I've always loved writing, but now I seem to be obsessing over it.
I want to write an ebook...okay, that was quite spontaneous....seriously Taiki, how long was that brewing in your mind?
Have you ever had a thought that just sits there in the back of your mind, eating at you but you don't want to say it out loud because once you do you'll feel obligated to see it through? No? Just me?
Now I'm rating books online, which I find ironic since I don't really have that level of expertise to pass judgement on other people's work but still...
I should try to sleep.

I can't write.

I love writing.
God I love writing. I can spend hours just thinking out plots and stories; Making lives out of nothing but imagination. But here's the thing, I've lived a fairly sheltered and closed life.
I mean at 22, I've never been to party, never broke curfew, been single...I haven't even littered for God's sake.
And while I am a very strict advocate for rules and social order...my life really isn't something anyone would want to read about. It would be like reading a rulebook if anything.
I don't lie where it counts, even if the truth would seriously hinder me.
I can't spin a good story because I have none! All of mine end up extremely predictable.
The craziest thing I've done was dye my hair and go for a cosplay thing.
That's like...the most insane thing I've ever done. Where's the story in there?!
I can't write a love story because I've been single for all my life! I can't do horror or thriller because the most fear I've ever faced or seen was when I had a bad reaction to allergy medication! I can't do drama because there is no drama when you follow every social convention!
I mean, my biggest regret is that I haven't done anything worth regretting!
Whenever I write a story, I reach a point where I ask myself why? Why is he doing this? Why doesn't he just follow the rules? and where the answer should be obvious, to me it's the most far fetched thing in the world. I can't make up the words anymore, because the character become less real after then.
Why would you die for love? Kill for vengeance? Steal because of envy?
These things don't make any sense to me...I can't further my story after that.
I just got an epiphany of sorts when I realized that I didn't get my internship. I went into a crazy spiral thinking that it was too late to be an animator and that I wouldn't graduate in time, but then I had to remind myself why I was doing this in the first place!
I needed to get the life experience to make a novel! I need to travel the world and see what life has to offer so i can make a masterpiece...to finally tell my story.
I think that is what I want most in my life....to tell my story.

Lemons and Life.

So I'm probably, most definetely NOT getting an Internship Placement this semester...which assuming I passed my last one, means I'll have to post pone finishing my course by a year...yeah..that sucks.
Not to mention I need to renew my visa and theres my insurance to cover first and a bunch of other bills to get out of the way.
Overall, I just feel tired.
There are times when I just want to call my parents and ask them to get me a ticket out of here. I don't feel like I have the energy to continue anymore.
My friends, bless them, have been trying to get me out of this...self pity party....and now I feel bad for making them worry.
I mean, there are people out there who are in a lot bigger mess than I am, so I really shouldn't be complaining that much...half of me though just wants to not renew my visa and get home. I think I'm feeling a little homesick, which is odd because my brother and sister are here...though I haven't seen my dad in ages and the last visit was barely 2 weeks...I miss my parents.
I don't know what to do right now, everything is just coming at me...which is life I guess, though I wish I were better prepared for this.

Warm and Fuzzy

As I was making my showreel for my internship. A random thought just ran through my head. I was picturing myself sitting under the warm sun by a sparkling lake with a girl I hang out with.
I was so lost in my imagination that I didn't realize I was then stalking her facebook pictures. I know! freaky.
Usually, I'm level headed if not somewhat dramatic, but this was different. I wasn't trying to be anything, I was just lost in my own imagining and for some reason she was there and the whole mood was...warm. I was happy . The oddest thing is, I'm fairly sure I don't like her. I mean, I like her as a friend, but not anything more. Not to mention, I'd hate to ruin m father's plan to have me married to aa complete stranger. (Even I'm not sure if I'm being sarcastic there) But still, I feel like I'm old enough...okay, wait...at 22 let me stop myself...I feel like I'm...mature enough...to make the choice on who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. For so long I was under the sad delusion that I'd spend forever with my family. But the sad truth is that while we will always be close...that doesn't mean will be close geographically...I need to find that girl who completes me...I'm not sure if I'm being extremely picky, or this happens normally but every girl I see as a potential has too many faults that I don't think I can live with...I mean, if you're going to spend forever with someone, you have to make sure you can live with them at least right?

A little of Both

I'm posting a little late, but yay..it was my birthday 2 days ago! I'm 22! XD
I wanted to post earlier, but as usual, my internet connection is on a different wavelength to my wishes.
My birthday was both nothing special and at the same time one of the most special days in my existence.
Well the day before, my friends did a small rag tag celebration for the actual day (which I totally saw coming, but it was very sweet of them regardless) and I got 2 presents...or should I say 1 present and 1 shock...inside joke here and I dont want to go into detail about the shock...I'm still reeling from the experience. But after the day ended I went back home feeling a bit depressed because I found out a couple of my friends had a falling out, and being me, with all my abandonment issues...I immediately thought i was the problem...I tried to fix the whole thing, but I think I just made it worse.
So I went to bed with a heavy heart and full of worry... mostly because I really wanted my brother to be here and he's not.
The next day on my birthday, I woke up a bit late to heavy rain. My sister and I actually made plans to go to watch a movie, but after seeing the rain, I didn't want to do anything. I was having one of those days again, where I feel a sadness so powerful that I can't even muster the energy to move.
I told my sister we'd better just cancel and forget the whole day...I just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up on November 3rd. I never wanted the 2nd to even exist. It was a crushing depression and I knew it was due. I was forcing myself to smile for almost 3 whole months. There is a gaping whole inside that I felt could never be filled...when I was alone, I craved for company so bad it hurt, but when I was with people...I just wanted to be left alone. I was ready to convince myself to give up and just forget everything, but my sister was insistent that we celebrate the day. Then she said that birthdays are the day to celebrate existence, and she wanted to celebrated because I meant something to her, and not celebrating meant that we didn't care if I lived or not. It was that statement that brought a round of pure sadness...because for the first time, I felt like my existence meant nothing! I cried, like actual sobbing and tears...the last time I cried that hard was when I left for university...and worse still, I cried infront of someone...I try so hard to keep my sadness to myself.
But it was at that moment that I realized that it wasn't someone, it was my sister...and after the tears and pain. I drifted off to sleep, a short nap. But when I woke like 30 minutes later, the sky was clear and my sister and I had a very fun day out! I got my new phone (Tanjou) and we did some crazy shopping and general goofing off!
For a very long time, I was sad because I felt like the only person who understood the real me, was my brother. But on my birthday, I realised that all my family understands me just fine. :)
It was then that I realised 2 things...
1) I suffer from a type of depression that I should probably look into and have cured...:l
2) I can turn my back on the world, I can have every single person hate me...as long as my family doesn't, I would survive.
So that's why it will be the most momentous birthday ever. Even though I didn't do much, I learned a lot....but mostly I learned that there would be at least 5 people who would be saddened if I wasn't born.
To some people, it may seem like a dumb post, and what does 5 really mean. But for me, and those who know real loneliness...it means a lot, to know that there is at least another soul in this world that cherishes your existence.
For so long I was trying to tip toe around people. Always playing the good guy and hiding my pain because I didn't want to fade away. I'm done playing that role though...I know who my friends are, and I know those who aren't...I'm going to simply be me, if they don't like it...they can deal with it. I want no one's approval anymore! I have the approval of everyone who matters already.