A little piece of wisdom

Its 2016. I haven't written in here in ages. So lets get on with it.
I graduated! So there's that. I'll prolly make a separate post about that later.
I'm also working which is good :-). Got a job as a screenwriter at WAU.
So far so good.
I'm currently in Malaysia with my brother, which is pretty awesome for the time being. There are problems at work which I will NOT go into detail with. It's a confidentiality thing.
If it isn't obvious I'm listing all the positive things in my life because I'm in horrible pain.
So I extracted my wisdom tooth. It was heavily impacted; which basically means it was in a bitch of an angle and took two hours and a minor operation to pull out.
The whole thing was an excruciating experience which I pray I will never have to go through again.
Now I'm in recovery and I can barely get a sentence straight.
Between the useless pain meds and the newly formed mouth ulcer, I can't get a thought in my head to save my life.
It's nearing 4am and the pulsing pain in my jaw is keeping me awake. That and the fact I can't eat anything solid so I'm starving, in pain and terribly tired. This is hell.

Suicide

Alot of people are mourning over Robin Williams, and I'll be honest, his death hasn't impacted much, rather its the way he died that I want to talk about.
Suicide.
I'm not sure how I feel about people who take their own lives. I can however empathize. I was in a dark place a few months ago and if I were still there, I might have already ended myself by now.
But fortunately, I got through the darkness with the help of my friends and family. It's a bit sad to think that Robin Williams had no one he could talk to. Don't people who commit suicide realise the gaping whole they leave behind when they leave?
I can't call him selfish because I have no idea what he's being going through, but at the same time I can't deny that his death makes me slightly angry. There are people with greater struggles who haven't given up hope.
Death is just so final.
There is no room to learn when you die.
I guess I just feel that suicide is taking the easy way out. And life shouldn't be easy.

Posting from my tablet

So I finally got a blogger installed on my tablet which means I can post on the go. So expect to hear more updates from me.

update

So I'm blogging from my phone, which is pretty awesome. I got into an internship finally, more,awesome there! And the weather outside is ridiculously hazey because of some forest burning or something like that. Its like death out there.

I'm over you

I'm over you. I'm not going to obsess about you or your boyfriend anymore. Of course, writing about it isn't going to just magically make it true, but now that it's out there on my limited ambiguous blog, I feel pressured to honor it...I don't know. I just need to tell someone that I'm trying to let you go, it just hurts a bit to see how easily you could do the same for me. But you reap what you sow so I guess I had this coming.

Sad little boy

I'm going to leave this very ambiguous but I need to rant since I have no one else to rant to. Anyways someone I really liked apparently moved on and is very happy with her life. We were so close to be together but religion kept us apart. Anyways, I don't blame her because I was the one who decided to follow the holy path instead of my heart. So she was heartbroken and so was I...but she found someone else and to be honest, I was happy for her at first. But I cant stand them. I can't hang around her because it feels like my heart is breaking and I can't stand him because I want to rip his throat out. Regardless, this was the path I chose so I shouldn't be complaining and if the choice came again, I know ill do the same thing again. It doesn't make it any easier though. There was a time when I felt devastated and depressed for ages. I felt like the world was empty and broken...and religion has always made me feel whole again. There were moments where the worst that could happen, did! and there was no one around to lean on, but I prayed and miracles happened. I know Im not the most faithful person, but I do try to be better. I'd be lying if I said I didn't question my religion at times (like these times) but I can't understand the grander scheme of life so I guess God has greater plans than the ones were making. I guess I just see what might have been and Im hoping that I get that sometime soon.

Explode!

I need to rant. I have no other outlet because this is very personal, which now as I'm typing I realize that posting it to a public blog may be the most dumbest thing I've ever done, but still....If I keep this is any longer I'm going to explode.
So far, I've been alone. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've never truly belonged to a group of friends. They would always have their critical key friendship moments and I wouldn't be there. Not because I was busy, but simply I didn't want to go. Which now I realise, I'm selfish. The reason I don't have close friends is because I don't allow them to get close. I give them reason to stay away from me. I don't mean this is a I'm a dangerous vampire edward way, rather I just pull away when they become too friendly with me.
I have never had an honest conversation with someone. The moment it gets just a little real I pull away. I wasn't bothered by this when I was younger and actually was glad that nobody knew the real me. But now I realise, that nobody knows the real me. It's a bit sad if you think about it, that not one person can truly explain me. I don't mean that they understand me entirely but just as a person. My dreams and fears. My hopes and sadness. Nothing. I never told a soul, and if I did I lied and edited. I exaggerated and I don't really know why.
The truth?
I'm fairly sure I'm in love with my classmate, in fact I can't call her a classmate because I feel like I'm demeaning her. I couldn't be with her in our final group and it crushed me. I was devastated for weeks trying to find the courage to tell her. I made a commitment earlier and I was going to break it for her.
I can't think anymore. I can't breathe. It's annoying and heart wrenching. Part of me wishes I never met her and another part is telling the first to shut up.
If she had a boyfriend or something I could finally move on I think. But she doesn't! The saddest thing is that nothing good can come of this. Religiously I can't date for fun, and I can't get married because she doesn't follow my religion....and that doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I can't explain that to my father. I can't break his heart like this. Religion is the one thing my father takes with utmost sincerity. When no one believed in me he let me go to an art school, even with a vague future. I can't destroy his trust like this, but at the same time, my heart feels like it's been torn asunder. There are days when I can't stand to look at her but regret not catching a glimpse. And the thing is, she's not the perfect girl. In fact she as far from girly as I know. She's loud and abrasive. Noisy, perveted and sometimes downright mean. But she has a big heart and she cares very deeply. She cries during sad endings and holds hands when crossing roads. She doesn't stand for injustice and apologizes when she makes mistakes. ...This is the third time this story is being told...but now it's different.
The first was with a classmate who belonged to another.
The second was a friend who was just hurt.
And now this...
Now you're probably wondering how I went from talking about trust issues to love? Well if you're not you're not very observant.
Anyways, it's simple. I lied.
When anyone asked if I liked anyone I lied. When she asked if I ever think about relationships, I push her away and say that it's pointless. I gave her every reason to stay away from me and with every lie I feel like I'm breaking just a little inside. I wish all of this could go away. I wish I could sever my feelings from myself...but then I think about the tranquil from dragon age and suddenly the idea doesn't seem as compelling. (I'm a nerd I know)
Anyways, I needed to get that out because keeping it in was giving me a headache. Throw it to the wind and watch the colours dance in the breeze...I'm one dramatic asshole.