Suicide

Alot of people are mourning over Robin Williams, and I'll be honest, his death hasn't impacted much, rather its the way he died that I want to talk about.
Suicide.
I'm not sure how I feel about people who take their own lives. I can however empathize. I was in a dark place a few months ago and if I were still there, I might have already ended myself by now.
But fortunately, I got through the darkness with the help of my friends and family. It's a bit sad to think that Robin Williams had no one he could talk to. Don't people who commit suicide realise the gaping whole they leave behind when they leave?
I can't call him selfish because I have no idea what he's being going through, but at the same time I can't deny that his death makes me slightly angry. There are people with greater struggles who haven't given up hope.
Death is just so final.
There is no room to learn when you die.
I guess I just feel that suicide is taking the easy way out. And life shouldn't be easy.

Am I ready?

My whole life, everything was planned for me. Saying my whole life is a bit of a stretch, I mean I'm only 22, but in those 22 years, everything I needed to do was given to me with instructions. Which school to go to, which friends to hang out with, what clothes to wear. I mean, I'm practically a 22 year old child. But now, it's all laid wide open. When I couldn't get advanced level physics, I knew my career as a civil engineer was lost to me. But I never really wanted it, I mean, the only reason I chose it was because a friend of mine said he wanted it and when my dad asked what I wanted to do, it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
My parents suggested I go into animation because of my love for cartoons, which at a point they tried to discourage. Though I was unrelenting in my admiration for anime. But even that was at their suggestion. I mean that's the system right, school, uni, work, marry, kids.
I'm almost done with uni, I've got 3 semesters left, that's like 1 and a half year, and honestly, I've never been more afraid.
I mean, where to next? should I go back home and search for a job? or travel abroad for it? So many possibilities are stretching out in front of me, but each one has a very good potential of being a horrible decision. What if I hit a dead end? who do I turn to?
I can't keep hiding in my parents embrace, waiting in their light for the world to get better. I should try to get out there, but even as I'm thinking it, what does that really mean? What do you do when you "get out there"?
And I don't see myself getting married, and kids are a definite no. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I know I tell people I don't like this, but that's just a half truth. The honest reply is that I'm afraid of them. They all seem so fragile! like I'm one step away from breaking and killing them. And they're so full of energy! I was a very quiet child, kept to myself most of the time. I had a number of imaginary friends, and actual people also frightened me. It wasn't until I was like 18 when I could socialize....and that was only because I learned several forms of self defense and incapacitation techniques.
But now, I don't think I can actually use those anymore. I mean, as an adult, I have to be responsible on how I act. The laws won't favour me if I break a windpipe because I was scared...not that has ever happened before. It's all so fast....well, if you think about it logically, it took 22 years to get here and I guess that's a long time, but I was instructed all that time. Now it just, good luck and get out there. I know my parents prepared me to their best of ability, and I'm probably just over thinking and over reacting to this as is my tradition. But that only lessens it by a bit. Telling yourself you're not afraid doesn't necessarily make the fear go away. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Reading about the percentages of unemployment and how shit the world has gone, just makes me want to hide away. Who do people cope with this kind of pressure? I feel attacked from every angle, and the worst is, that I'm doing this to myself! I think I can finally see why people fear growing up. I never had that much of childhood to brag about, and those were the most loneliest years of my life. I had only my siblings for company, so having friends is a major improvement. I still feel that sometimes I'm a bit of a dick to them, but that's not purposefully...being alone for so long makes you distrustful of other people.
Okay, I just jumped to like four different rants. The only question here is, am I ready to start a life?

Stressed

Every nerve in my body is stressed! Why am I stressed? Let me try to clarify because I don't really know what's stressing me!
Firstly, the results came out but seeing as I am still barred I can't know if I passed or not, and the suspense is murder!
Secondly, I haven't registered because of reason A, and I really don't want to register only to find out that I failed the subject!
Thirdly, I don't feel so pious right now! I mean if I died tomorrow, i'd go to hell for sure...but I'm not doing anything about it!
Fourthly, I made a diet and exercise plan which I was supposed to follow for 7 weeks and I hardly did one!! So I feel awful about that of course!
Fifthly,  I was trying to be more active this holiday and all I've done is research on stuff but hadn't actually put the knowledge to practice!
Sixthly, I just realised that people actually read my blog and all this time I've been ranting about hate and the stupidity of relationships when a dear friend was struggling with love! So I want to clarify here that all of this is just my understanding (or lack of understanding) of the way of the world. I had a rough and lonely childhood with a lot of betrayal and hurtful teasing which made my heart hardened to people. I can't trust them anymore because the 3 times I actually threw all my faith into someone, they all let me down and I was left broken. So everyone else pursue happy dreams and so on, I don't believe in it, but then I'm also afraid of purple goblins, stickers and empty wrappers.
and Lastly, I just feel so painfully alone. I know, how is this stressing me out? but everytime I think about my future, I scare myself by how empty it would be...and I love my family but they have thier lives to live as well...I can't be that creepy uncle who never seems to go away o.O...i mean I used to find my uncles a but annoying when I was younger and I guess this is karma right?
I don't know....it just feels like I am being overwhelmed with things I can't control...I know I should trust God and just live day by day, but that's easier said than done...

The road to awe

 I've prayed for strength. I've prayed to be stronger and I've prayed to be better. I've prayed for God's love and forgiveness. But mostly, I've prayed for my family.
I once heard that if you pray for success, god won't make it rain money, rather god will give you the opportunity to be successful. 
I'm not going to preach that I'm a very good muslim...God knows how flawed I really am, how many times I've deviated from the path of good. But I honestly try to be a better person, a compassionate soul that knows kindness and a helping hand in a world where such people are taken advantage of.
I told myself that if I suffer on earth, I'd be rewarded in heaven; so no matter how much agony I receive, I will stomach it and move on...because this life is just a dream between wakes. Live like you're going to die tomorrow, but plan like you're going to live forever....a saying my mum constantly reminds me of.
I used to think that my life was incomplete, like I was missing out because I couldn't do the things that the media portrays as fun, as living. For a long time, I felt like my life was lacking, like I was being robbed of the things I should've had.
But now I realize, it's that I can't do it...it's that I won't.
I don't want the life that is pictured on a TV screen. I thought I'd be sad if that had happened to me...and I may be sad...but it's a depression that will heal.
But what I cannot stomach, what I cannot fathom is disappointing the people who are my universe.
“‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and
he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.’”
I think I can finally relate to Wuthering Heights...