I am really feeling pressured right now!
I know I just posted seconds ago, but even more things to stress me out! I just feel like I'm not ready for all this. I want to make my parents happy, but at the same time, I don't want the things they want me to do.
I understand to heed the council of your parents is wise, but still, I wish I were more free to make my own mistakes. I understand they want what is best for me...but sometimes I wish they would let me choose wrong and learn from the experience...I know, I'm being especially whiny and in the long run I'd probably realize that I shouldn't be such a brat...but I'm young, and we're known to complain about life and stuff...
Seriously Taiki...just shut up and do what they asked. They sacrificed a lot for you, this is the least you can do for them...
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Still not understanding
There are certain kinds of love I can understand; like the love of a parent or a sibling...these are obligations...and the love for a faith or a cause; the passion of the drive is so overwhelming that it engulfs you.
But love for another person? How can you trust someone completely!? I could never think of opening myself totally to another soul, save for my brother. I have secrets from everyone. Secrets so deep, so personal that I would never even dare utter them in silence. These are secrets so sensitive that I don't even think about them when I'm with others; not a single soul...human or otherwise can ever know them. Have you ever experienced something like that? I bet everyone has...something so personal they wouldn't trust to anyone else in fear that it may be repeated.
For me, a secret is between yourself and you. The moment you tell anyone else, it's no longer a secret...regardless of how trustworthy they are...
Okay, I just ranted way of topic here...but I just don't understand how people can so freely open themselves to pain. Why would you even want that?
I know love doesn't exist! If it does, it's brief and fleeting. If I ever get married, which is another constitution I don't believe in, it won't be for love. That's the most silliest thing I ever heard of.
That's like buying a house because you liked the colour! NO SENSE!
Such a big commitment for such a trivial reason.
No, I firmly believe that all of this is just what the media forces down our throats making us believe that fairy tales do exist! Marriages end up in divorces almost equally as they survive, which proves just how efficient marrying for love is!
So yes, I may seem cruel and heartless but facing the facts here. I am nothing, if thorough. I make every decisive calculation before pursuing a cause. From what I can gather, all this nonsense is an act of faith ...I am a Muslim because the signs have been made clear to me...I can see the reality of my religion as clear as I can see light. I know the truth of what I am being taught. But this, these are practices of mortals...people who make mistakes...how can I take that seriously?
But love for another person? How can you trust someone completely!? I could never think of opening myself totally to another soul, save for my brother. I have secrets from everyone. Secrets so deep, so personal that I would never even dare utter them in silence. These are secrets so sensitive that I don't even think about them when I'm with others; not a single soul...human or otherwise can ever know them. Have you ever experienced something like that? I bet everyone has...something so personal they wouldn't trust to anyone else in fear that it may be repeated.
For me, a secret is between yourself and you. The moment you tell anyone else, it's no longer a secret...regardless of how trustworthy they are...
Okay, I just ranted way of topic here...but I just don't understand how people can so freely open themselves to pain. Why would you even want that?
I know love doesn't exist! If it does, it's brief and fleeting. If I ever get married, which is another constitution I don't believe in, it won't be for love. That's the most silliest thing I ever heard of.
That's like buying a house because you liked the colour! NO SENSE!
Such a big commitment for such a trivial reason.
No, I firmly believe that all of this is just what the media forces down our throats making us believe that fairy tales do exist! Marriages end up in divorces almost equally as they survive, which proves just how efficient marrying for love is!
So yes, I may seem cruel and heartless but facing the facts here. I am nothing, if thorough. I make every decisive calculation before pursuing a cause. From what I can gather, all this nonsense is an act of faith ...I am a Muslim because the signs have been made clear to me...I can see the reality of my religion as clear as I can see light. I know the truth of what I am being taught. But this, these are practices of mortals...people who make mistakes...how can I take that seriously?
Monday, October 15, 2012
The price I paid.
.We are all weak, that's why we crave the company of others...kindred souls that help us when we stumble.So the question is, how can you have a kindred spirit when you are soulless?
Does fire have a soul mate?
I am fire. I am the burning. I am destruction, not creation. I am consuming, engulfing...
A flame provides warmth from a distance, but burns when touched.
I thrive on chaos and madness, not love and compassion.
My drive is determination. My commitment is only to myself.
I wish I were different. I wish I could gaze at the heavens and see beauty, but I can't. All I see is logic.
Cool, rationalized logic.
The way of world doesn't make sense to me. Try as hard as I might, I cannot understand the thinking of people.
I am water. I am running swift current of change; a wave of unrelenting resolution beating against the rocks of belief.
I am a contradiction to myself. My ideals cut through my beliefs; faith through logic. I am a whirlpool of confusion. Tossing and turning upon myself into a gradual descent to madness.
But what I know for a fact; the one mirror that I can see myself clearly in...is that I am not good.
A drop of misery has turned me into a demon. A self loathing spirit of vengeance. I sold my heart to the devil, and bought the energy to hate, for that is what I do best...hate.
Does fire have a soul mate?
I am fire. I am the burning. I am destruction, not creation. I am consuming, engulfing...
A flame provides warmth from a distance, but burns when touched.
I thrive on chaos and madness, not love and compassion.
My drive is determination. My commitment is only to myself.
I wish I were different. I wish I could gaze at the heavens and see beauty, but I can't. All I see is logic.
Cool, rationalized logic.
The way of world doesn't make sense to me. Try as hard as I might, I cannot understand the thinking of people.
I am water. I am running swift current of change; a wave of unrelenting resolution beating against the rocks of belief.
I am a contradiction to myself. My ideals cut through my beliefs; faith through logic. I am a whirlpool of confusion. Tossing and turning upon myself into a gradual descent to madness.
But what I know for a fact; the one mirror that I can see myself clearly in...is that I am not good.
A drop of misery has turned me into a demon. A self loathing spirit of vengeance. I sold my heart to the devil, and bought the energy to hate, for that is what I do best...hate.
Never again.
He followed
his heart once; and he paid the price with pain.
He followed
his heart twice, and he was left devastated.
So when his
heart asked him, once more, to follow…he sealed it shut, dried his eyes, and
walked away, for he swore a long time ago that he would never again listen to lies of
the heart.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Borderline sanity
Okay! I'm a weirdo! I admit some of my habits tend to be slightly...manic...and there has been the occasion where I myself seemed to doubt my own sanity. But doesn't that prove I'm sane? I mean, I judged myself from a third perspective and found that though I do exhibit some characteristics of being unhinged, overall I am, in fact a well balanced individual...okay, well balanced is a bit of a stretch, but balanced enough!
Regardless, I am a fully functional member of a society...which society, i'm not quite sure yet.
But sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean, I don't feel wrong; it's just the looks I get from others that speak volumes of my difference...like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to...but in defense, everything I do makes perfect sense to me...it's them who have it all confused.
Biggest issue I guess is why I don't have a girlfriend, but I don't see why I would need one! I'm not looking for marriage or children or emotional support...and I'm way to moral to be promiscuous!...moral enough more like it...but still every time I rationalize my thinking with others they give me a look that has pity and confusion! I don't like it! and I shouldn't have to explain myself to them!
and then there's the whole going out thing! I mean, once a week should be enough shouldn't? But they seem to find a need to spend every waking moment together! why?! I haven't the slightest idea! The weekly think is in fact a little more than I can handle, I'd prefer once a month! There are a special few who I don't mind spending time with, but even they know that I have my limits and work well to adjust to it!
It's fun and all, don't get me wrong. I enjoy the moments, but if we spend every second together then the moments would lose their significance, distance makes the heart grow stronger right?
I don't know, I think I'm just babbling...
Regardless, I am a fully functional member of a society...which society, i'm not quite sure yet.
But sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean, I don't feel wrong; it's just the looks I get from others that speak volumes of my difference...like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to...but in defense, everything I do makes perfect sense to me...it's them who have it all confused.
Biggest issue I guess is why I don't have a girlfriend, but I don't see why I would need one! I'm not looking for marriage or children or emotional support...and I'm way to moral to be promiscuous!...moral enough more like it...but still every time I rationalize my thinking with others they give me a look that has pity and confusion! I don't like it! and I shouldn't have to explain myself to them!
and then there's the whole going out thing! I mean, once a week should be enough shouldn't? But they seem to find a need to spend every waking moment together! why?! I haven't the slightest idea! The weekly think is in fact a little more than I can handle, I'd prefer once a month! There are a special few who I don't mind spending time with, but even they know that I have my limits and work well to adjust to it!
It's fun and all, don't get me wrong. I enjoy the moments, but if we spend every second together then the moments would lose their significance, distance makes the heart grow stronger right?
I don't know, I think I'm just babbling...
Friday, September 28, 2012
I CAN DO IT!
I recently read a book stating that the biggest obstacle people face is telling themselves that they can't be as good as someone. For such a long time that was my excuse! I would see some work and comment like "he had more experience than I did"...but that's just an excuse! I can be just as good, if not better!
So know I am stating, that I can do it! and not only that...but I will do it! This is going to be my semester...this is going to be my time to shine! If i pass my subjects, I am going to give it everything I have to pass...and If i fail, then that will give me all the more power to shine...(but god I hope I dont fail)
To anyone and everyone reading this, just know that as cheesy and corny as it sounds..I believe in you! I know that sometimes things seem impossible and you just want to quit an give up! but never give up, as many times as you fall, stand up and continue forward...because to really succeed in life, we just have to want to.
So know I am stating, that I can do it! and not only that...but I will do it! This is going to be my semester...this is going to be my time to shine! If i pass my subjects, I am going to give it everything I have to pass...and If i fail, then that will give me all the more power to shine...(but god I hope I dont fail)
To anyone and everyone reading this, just know that as cheesy and corny as it sounds..I believe in you! I know that sometimes things seem impossible and you just want to quit an give up! but never give up, as many times as you fall, stand up and continue forward...because to really succeed in life, we just have to want to.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I'll do this for you
I know I'm not perfect, and I've come to terms with that. I know who I am and I honestly am happy with the way I turned out.
Sure there are some things about me that I wish were different. For instance, I wish I didn't have this crippling fear of crowds...or small groups really.
But that's the way I am...and for the most part, you accepted me as I was.
I know you never do this intentionally, but it hurts when you describe my faults. You don't mean to hurt me, I know, but I still feel the pain of it.
I was angry at first, but now I think I know why.
I guess somewhere along the line, I didn't just value your opinion, I wanted it.
I acted nonchalant about us; made it seem like there was nothing there. But you haven't the idea how desperately I crave for it to be.
I'm still as cavalier as I ever was. Still as candid, because that's the me you seem to adore.
So I decided to change for the better, I'm no longer comfortable with the flaws I have. The ones I passed off as psychological by birth, the ones concerning me. You point them out because you care, so I'm going to do something about it. I'll do this for you, but not just...they're for me as well.
Sure there are some things about me that I wish were different. For instance, I wish I didn't have this crippling fear of crowds...or small groups really.
But that's the way I am...and for the most part, you accepted me as I was.
I know you never do this intentionally, but it hurts when you describe my faults. You don't mean to hurt me, I know, but I still feel the pain of it.
I was angry at first, but now I think I know why.
I guess somewhere along the line, I didn't just value your opinion, I wanted it.
I acted nonchalant about us; made it seem like there was nothing there. But you haven't the idea how desperately I crave for it to be.
I'm still as cavalier as I ever was. Still as candid, because that's the me you seem to adore.
So I decided to change for the better, I'm no longer comfortable with the flaws I have. The ones I passed off as psychological by birth, the ones concerning me. You point them out because you care, so I'm going to do something about it. I'll do this for you, but not just...they're for me as well.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)