Suicide

Alot of people are mourning over Robin Williams, and I'll be honest, his death hasn't impacted much, rather its the way he died that I want to talk about.
Suicide.
I'm not sure how I feel about people who take their own lives. I can however empathize. I was in a dark place a few months ago and if I were still there, I might have already ended myself by now.
But fortunately, I got through the darkness with the help of my friends and family. It's a bit sad to think that Robin Williams had no one he could talk to. Don't people who commit suicide realise the gaping whole they leave behind when they leave?
I can't call him selfish because I have no idea what he's being going through, but at the same time I can't deny that his death makes me slightly angry. There are people with greater struggles who haven't given up hope.
Death is just so final.
There is no room to learn when you die.
I guess I just feel that suicide is taking the easy way out. And life shouldn't be easy.

Posting from my tablet

So I finally got a blogger installed on my tablet which means I can post on the go. So expect to hear more updates from me.

update

So I'm blogging from my phone, which is pretty awesome. I got into an internship finally, more,awesome there! And the weather outside is ridiculously hazey because of some forest burning or something like that. Its like death out there.

I'm over you

I'm over you. I'm not going to obsess about you or your boyfriend anymore. Of course, writing about it isn't going to just magically make it true, but now that it's out there on my limited ambiguous blog, I feel pressured to honor it...I don't know. I just need to tell someone that I'm trying to let you go, it just hurts a bit to see how easily you could do the same for me. But you reap what you sow so I guess I had this coming.

Sad little boy

I'm going to leave this very ambiguous but I need to rant since I have no one else to rant to. Anyways someone I really liked apparently moved on and is very happy with her life. We were so close to be together but religion kept us apart. Anyways, I don't blame her because I was the one who decided to follow the holy path instead of my heart. So she was heartbroken and so was I...but she found someone else and to be honest, I was happy for her at first. But I cant stand them. I can't hang around her because it feels like my heart is breaking and I can't stand him because I want to rip his throat out. Regardless, this was the path I chose so I shouldn't be complaining and if the choice came again, I know ill do the same thing again. It doesn't make it any easier though. There was a time when I felt devastated and depressed for ages. I felt like the world was empty and broken...and religion has always made me feel whole again. There were moments where the worst that could happen, did! and there was no one around to lean on, but I prayed and miracles happened. I know Im not the most faithful person, but I do try to be better. I'd be lying if I said I didn't question my religion at times (like these times) but I can't understand the grander scheme of life so I guess God has greater plans than the ones were making. I guess I just see what might have been and Im hoping that I get that sometime soon.

Explode!

I need to rant. I have no other outlet because this is very personal, which now as I'm typing I realize that posting it to a public blog may be the most dumbest thing I've ever done, but still....If I keep this is any longer I'm going to explode.
So far, I've been alone. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've never truly belonged to a group of friends. They would always have their critical key friendship moments and I wouldn't be there. Not because I was busy, but simply I didn't want to go. Which now I realise, I'm selfish. The reason I don't have close friends is because I don't allow them to get close. I give them reason to stay away from me. I don't mean this is a I'm a dangerous vampire edward way, rather I just pull away when they become too friendly with me.
I have never had an honest conversation with someone. The moment it gets just a little real I pull away. I wasn't bothered by this when I was younger and actually was glad that nobody knew the real me. But now I realise, that nobody knows the real me. It's a bit sad if you think about it, that not one person can truly explain me. I don't mean that they understand me entirely but just as a person. My dreams and fears. My hopes and sadness. Nothing. I never told a soul, and if I did I lied and edited. I exaggerated and I don't really know why.
The truth?
I'm fairly sure I'm in love with my classmate, in fact I can't call her a classmate because I feel like I'm demeaning her. I couldn't be with her in our final group and it crushed me. I was devastated for weeks trying to find the courage to tell her. I made a commitment earlier and I was going to break it for her.
I can't think anymore. I can't breathe. It's annoying and heart wrenching. Part of me wishes I never met her and another part is telling the first to shut up.
If she had a boyfriend or something I could finally move on I think. But she doesn't! The saddest thing is that nothing good can come of this. Religiously I can't date for fun, and I can't get married because she doesn't follow my religion....and that doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I can't explain that to my father. I can't break his heart like this. Religion is the one thing my father takes with utmost sincerity. When no one believed in me he let me go to an art school, even with a vague future. I can't destroy his trust like this, but at the same time, my heart feels like it's been torn asunder. There are days when I can't stand to look at her but regret not catching a glimpse. And the thing is, she's not the perfect girl. In fact she as far from girly as I know. She's loud and abrasive. Noisy, perveted and sometimes downright mean. But she has a big heart and she cares very deeply. She cries during sad endings and holds hands when crossing roads. She doesn't stand for injustice and apologizes when she makes mistakes. ...This is the third time this story is being told...but now it's different.
The first was with a classmate who belonged to another.
The second was a friend who was just hurt.
And now this...
Now you're probably wondering how I went from talking about trust issues to love? Well if you're not you're not very observant.
Anyways, it's simple. I lied.
When anyone asked if I liked anyone I lied. When she asked if I ever think about relationships, I push her away and say that it's pointless. I gave her every reason to stay away from me and with every lie I feel like I'm breaking just a little inside. I wish all of this could go away. I wish I could sever my feelings from myself...but then I think about the tranquil from dragon age and suddenly the idea doesn't seem as compelling. (I'm a nerd I know)
Anyways, I needed to get that out because keeping it in was giving me a headache. Throw it to the wind and watch the colours dance in the breeze...I'm one dramatic asshole.

Just the Usual

Nothing specific here, just the usual rant...but today I'm going to delve into a topic a actively avoid in discussion...religion.
The stigma around religion is getting to be a tad cumbersome. I get it, not everyone wants to follow an organized religion and freedom of choice or whatever...but you're bashing on my beliefs and that's not cool.
The common arguement is that we should develop as a species, embrace the new and rid of the old. I mean, we further ourselves with technology, throwing away the obsolete and striving for progress. But (and I can't believe I'm going to quote Umbridge) Progress for progress's sake should be discouraged. I mean, just going forward simply because we can shouldn't mean we should. It's a little non-sensical to me. Why are we rushing to a future, when we could improve on the present. Which brings me back to the whole religion thing. Yes, I get that some of the religious rules may seem a little barbaric. But recently, My brother pointed out to me that religion should infact be factual and though I haven't yet understood the secrets of the universe ( from a complete lack of trying) I do see some fact in my religion. I mean surely, somethings are harder to believe and must be taken on faith first (like the splitting of the sea) but I guess it does make sense to create an event so grand, so implausible that it creates a sense of awe. I mean, if the prophets did what we could replicate in this day then why would be revere them? They would simply be the first person to do it, and sure that gets you some royalties, but in the end, we dont pray for Armstrong do we?
I'm just ranting here, so bear with me.
I guess it's just a personal feeling, but I like the strictness of my religion. In a time where everything is so changeable I guess knowing that there is in fact a solid in my life gives me comfort. To me that's why I think God created religion in the first place. I know God doesn't need our worship, so the question arises why was religion created in the first place?
I pray as frequent as I can, and I observe the rules (most of them) of my religion. I try to be a good person and follow the moral codes and ethics every decent human being should. I get that religion teaches us to be a better person but so does school. You don't necessarily need religion to be a saint (lol, pun intended)...If we go against that logic then we should assume that all atheists are dicks, and I've got some pretty awesome atheist friends. So why does religion exist?
Goin back to my aforementioned theory, I think religion is an anchor that reminds us where we are and what we're doing. It keeps us focused on the here and the now, but always reminding us that there is a tomorrow. I like the concept of Heaven, and I do believe it exists. What's the alternative? Live a short menial life then just...die? That's horribly depressing! What does it all mean if that's the case? Why am I alive only to die? I mean, the whole test thing in religion gives you a reason to wake up and not blow out your neighbours brains.
I don't know, I just wanted to vent out some thoughts that were in my head. To me, religion is very important....and please note I wrote religion and not Islam. I am a practising Muslim, but I would never bash my Christian or what have you friends. Belief is belief, and to each his own I always say! :)
Peace out!