Rants

Another rant, but this one is totally worth it...or so he says.
Okay, I'm going to vent about a LOT of things so bear with me...though at this point I do realise no one is actually reading these, but I'm cool with it. The honest truth is that I'm a fairly secretive person so I use my blog as an outlet. I guess I feel the need to talk to someone but there's no one in my social circle I can commune with this level of honesty. I mostly just lie when they ask how I am...not sure why?...anyways, onto the rant!
First of, I've been helping a friend with a project that he's doing for his class and he's paying me for it. Which made me realise I like money...I know, so much for not being materialistic.
I also like buying things, a lot. I seem to go on a spending frenzy, though this can be partly due to my brother's influence. His philosophy is don't die rich. Simply because when you're dead, all your savings account for squat. So he burns all his savings the moment he gets them. I'm not entirely sure if I like his teaching, but I'm going through it right now and the results are still ambigious.
Secondly, I like girls.
I'm not saying this in a I- was-confused-with-my-sexuality kind of way, it's more of a I-thought-I-was-above-that line. This whole time I saw girls come and go and sure I had crushes on some, but by the next day I was like meh. I thought that it was because I had a higher level of discipline (I know, I'm an arrogant ass) than most so I could simply will away the urges. Turns out I just didn't find them attractive. But some days ago, I met this girl who was like me (part-african, part arabian) and my heart went like a rocket. I actually giggled ant stammered when she was talking to me...I didn't know I was capable of such nonsense.
Which brings me to my third rant, which is I'm a racist!
I mean, there were so many potentials before and I like to exercise restraint when it comes to female relationships, so that nothing happens. I'm a firm believer of the whole sex after marriage and the no dating thing. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to meet a random stranger and just decide "Okay, you'll do!". I do want to get to know her and everything, but within boundaries. And this goes beyond my religion. I'm a romantic in the sense that the girl I marry is the first and only girl I will ever know. I want to have exactly 1 girlfriend, 1 fiancée  and 1 wife...all of whom are the same person. We meet, we fall in love (or some equivalent) then we marry and die. So whenever a girl approaches me, I always ask myself "Is she the one" which of course she isn't so that doesn't go well.
Which brings us back to me being a racist though, this girl I met (during Ramadhan no less, astagfirullah) made me forget all my policies, rules and discipline. She was like some temptress sent to charm just me. I gawked openly at her for a full minute, I don't think I've ever given anyone my full attention for that long. Her skin, her eyes, her hair...all of it was perfect. And I wasn't even fantasing about her. I mean, if I have a type, it would be red or soft brown wavy hair, green or brown eyes and a rich olive complexion. She had frizzy brown hair, black eyes and was a shade lighter than me. But it was enough! I wanted to know her and was honestly jealous that I didn't already. Damn. I thought I was immune.
It's the holy month for these thoughts shouldn't even exist right now, which makes me feel all the more bad.
Lastly, I am tired.
I have been working non-stop for the past weeks and I want to spend a whole week doing nothing and just recuperate. My heart is still racing (from exhaustion) and my mind fells like its on fire right now. A thousand thoughts just all jumbled up that I can barely concentrate on what I'm doing. Thus the rant. I need to vent out some to make it all clearer.
Wow, this is a long post.
Future me, if you're reading this...tell me how it went with the succubus?