My whole life, everything was planned for me. Saying my whole life is a bit of a stretch, I mean I'm only 22, but in those 22 years, everything I needed to do was given to me with instructions. Which school to go to, which friends to hang out with, what clothes to wear. I mean, I'm practically a 22 year old child. But now, it's all laid wide open. When I couldn't get advanced level physics, I knew my career as a civil engineer was lost to me. But I never really wanted it, I mean, the only reason I chose it was because a friend of mine said he wanted it and when my dad asked what I wanted to do, it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
My parents suggested I go into animation because of my love for cartoons, which at a point they tried to discourage. Though I was unrelenting in my admiration for anime. But even that was at their suggestion. I mean that's the system right, school, uni, work, marry, kids.
I'm almost done with uni, I've got 3 semesters left, that's like 1 and a half year, and honestly, I've never been more afraid.
I mean, where to next? should I go back home and search for a job? or travel abroad for it? So many possibilities are stretching out in front of me, but each one has a very good potential of being a horrible decision. What if I hit a dead end? who do I turn to?
I can't keep hiding in my parents embrace, waiting in their light for the world to get better. I should try to get out there, but even as I'm thinking it, what does that really mean? What do you do when you "get out there"?
And I don't see myself getting married, and kids are a definite no. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I know I tell people I don't like this, but that's just a half truth. The honest reply is that I'm afraid of them. They all seem so fragile! like I'm one step away from breaking and killing them. And they're so full of energy! I was a very quiet child, kept to myself most of the time. I had a number of imaginary friends, and actual people also frightened me. It wasn't until I was like 18 when I could socialize....and that was only because I learned several forms of self defense and incapacitation techniques.
But now, I don't think I can actually use those anymore. I mean, as an adult, I have to be responsible on how I act. The laws won't favour me if I break a windpipe because I was scared...not that has ever happened before. It's all so fast....well, if you think about it logically, it took 22 years to get here and I guess that's a long time, but I was instructed all that time. Now it just, good luck and get out there. I know my parents prepared me to their best of ability, and I'm probably just over thinking and over reacting to this as is my tradition. But that only lessens it by a bit. Telling yourself you're not afraid doesn't necessarily make the fear go away. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Reading about the percentages of unemployment and how shit the world has gone, just makes me want to hide away. Who do people cope with this kind of pressure? I feel attacked from every angle, and the worst is, that I'm doing this to myself! I think I can finally see why people fear growing up. I never had that much of childhood to brag about, and those were the most loneliest years of my life. I had only my siblings for company, so having friends is a major improvement. I still feel that sometimes I'm a bit of a dick to them, but that's not purposefully...being alone for so long makes you distrustful of other people.
Okay, I just jumped to like four different rants. The only question here is, am I ready to start a life?
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