As I was making my showreel for my internship. A random thought just ran through my head. I was picturing myself sitting under the warm sun by a sparkling lake with a girl I hang out with.
I was so lost in my imagination that I didn't realize I was then stalking her facebook pictures. I know! freaky.
Usually, I'm level headed if not somewhat dramatic, but this was different. I wasn't trying to be anything, I was just lost in my own imagining and for some reason she was there and the whole mood was...warm. I was happy . The oddest thing is, I'm fairly sure I don't like her. I mean, I like her as a friend, but not anything more. Not to mention, I'd hate to ruin m father's plan to have me married to aa complete stranger. (Even I'm not sure if I'm being sarcastic there) But still, I feel like I'm old enough...okay, wait...at 22 let me stop myself...I feel like I'm...mature enough...to make the choice on who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. For so long I was under the sad delusion that I'd spend forever with my family. But the sad truth is that while we will always be close...that doesn't mean will be close geographically...I need to find that girl who completes me...I'm not sure if I'm being extremely picky, or this happens normally but every girl I see as a potential has too many faults that I don't think I can live with...I mean, if you're going to spend forever with someone, you have to make sure you can live with them at least right?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Sunday, November 4, 2012
A little of Both
I'm posting a little late, but yay..it was my birthday 2 days ago! I'm 22! XD
I wanted to post earlier, but as usual, my internet connection is on a different wavelength to my wishes.
My birthday was both nothing special and at the same time one of the most special days in my existence.
Well the day before, my friends did a small rag tag celebration for the actual day (which I totally saw coming, but it was very sweet of them regardless) and I got 2 presents...or should I say 1 present and 1 shock...inside joke here and I dont want to go into detail about the shock...I'm still reeling from the experience. But after the day ended I went back home feeling a bit depressed because I found out a couple of my friends had a falling out, and being me, with all my abandonment issues...I immediately thought i was the problem...I tried to fix the whole thing, but I think I just made it worse.
So I went to bed with a heavy heart and full of worry... mostly because I really wanted my brother to be here and he's not.
The next day on my birthday, I woke up a bit late to heavy rain. My sister and I actually made plans to go to watch a movie, but after seeing the rain, I didn't want to do anything. I was having one of those days again, where I feel a sadness so powerful that I can't even muster the energy to move.
I told my sister we'd better just cancel and forget the whole day...I just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up on November 3rd. I never wanted the 2nd to even exist. It was a crushing depression and I knew it was due. I was forcing myself to smile for almost 3 whole months. There is a gaping whole inside that I felt could never be filled...when I was alone, I craved for company so bad it hurt, but when I was with people...I just wanted to be left alone. I was ready to convince myself to give up and just forget everything, but my sister was insistent that we celebrate the day. Then she said that birthdays are the day to celebrate existence, and she wanted to celebrated because I meant something to her, and not celebrating meant that we didn't care if I lived or not. It was that statement that brought a round of pure sadness...because for the first time, I felt like my existence meant nothing! I cried, like actual sobbing and tears...the last time I cried that hard was when I left for university...and worse still, I cried infront of someone...I try so hard to keep my sadness to myself.
But it was at that moment that I realized that it wasn't someone, it was my sister...and after the tears and pain. I drifted off to sleep, a short nap. But when I woke like 30 minutes later, the sky was clear and my sister and I had a very fun day out! I got my new phone (Tanjou) and we did some crazy shopping and general goofing off!
For a very long time, I was sad because I felt like the only person who understood the real me, was my brother. But on my birthday, I realised that all my family understands me just fine. :)
It was then that I realised 2 things...
1) I suffer from a type of depression that I should probably look into and have cured...:l
2) I can turn my back on the world, I can have every single person hate me...as long as my family doesn't, I would survive.
So that's why it will be the most momentous birthday ever. Even though I didn't do much, I learned a lot....but mostly I learned that there would be at least 5 people who would be saddened if I wasn't born.
To some people, it may seem like a dumb post, and what does 5 really mean. But for me, and those who know real loneliness...it means a lot, to know that there is at least another soul in this world that cherishes your existence.
For so long I was trying to tip toe around people. Always playing the good guy and hiding my pain because I didn't want to fade away. I'm done playing that role though...I know who my friends are, and I know those who aren't...I'm going to simply be me, if they don't like it...they can deal with it. I want no one's approval anymore! I have the approval of everyone who matters already.
I wanted to post earlier, but as usual, my internet connection is on a different wavelength to my wishes.
My birthday was both nothing special and at the same time one of the most special days in my existence.
Well the day before, my friends did a small rag tag celebration for the actual day (which I totally saw coming, but it was very sweet of them regardless) and I got 2 presents...or should I say 1 present and 1 shock...inside joke here and I dont want to go into detail about the shock...I'm still reeling from the experience. But after the day ended I went back home feeling a bit depressed because I found out a couple of my friends had a falling out, and being me, with all my abandonment issues...I immediately thought i was the problem...I tried to fix the whole thing, but I think I just made it worse.
So I went to bed with a heavy heart and full of worry... mostly because I really wanted my brother to be here and he's not.
The next day on my birthday, I woke up a bit late to heavy rain. My sister and I actually made plans to go to watch a movie, but after seeing the rain, I didn't want to do anything. I was having one of those days again, where I feel a sadness so powerful that I can't even muster the energy to move.
I told my sister we'd better just cancel and forget the whole day...I just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up on November 3rd. I never wanted the 2nd to even exist. It was a crushing depression and I knew it was due. I was forcing myself to smile for almost 3 whole months. There is a gaping whole inside that I felt could never be filled...when I was alone, I craved for company so bad it hurt, but when I was with people...I just wanted to be left alone. I was ready to convince myself to give up and just forget everything, but my sister was insistent that we celebrate the day. Then she said that birthdays are the day to celebrate existence, and she wanted to celebrated because I meant something to her, and not celebrating meant that we didn't care if I lived or not. It was that statement that brought a round of pure sadness...because for the first time, I felt like my existence meant nothing! I cried, like actual sobbing and tears...the last time I cried that hard was when I left for university...and worse still, I cried infront of someone...I try so hard to keep my sadness to myself.
But it was at that moment that I realized that it wasn't someone, it was my sister...and after the tears and pain. I drifted off to sleep, a short nap. But when I woke like 30 minutes later, the sky was clear and my sister and I had a very fun day out! I got my new phone (Tanjou) and we did some crazy shopping and general goofing off!
For a very long time, I was sad because I felt like the only person who understood the real me, was my brother. But on my birthday, I realised that all my family understands me just fine. :)
It was then that I realised 2 things...
1) I suffer from a type of depression that I should probably look into and have cured...:l
2) I can turn my back on the world, I can have every single person hate me...as long as my family doesn't, I would survive.
So that's why it will be the most momentous birthday ever. Even though I didn't do much, I learned a lot....but mostly I learned that there would be at least 5 people who would be saddened if I wasn't born.
To some people, it may seem like a dumb post, and what does 5 really mean. But for me, and those who know real loneliness...it means a lot, to know that there is at least another soul in this world that cherishes your existence.
For so long I was trying to tip toe around people. Always playing the good guy and hiding my pain because I didn't want to fade away. I'm done playing that role though...I know who my friends are, and I know those who aren't...I'm going to simply be me, if they don't like it...they can deal with it. I want no one's approval anymore! I have the approval of everyone who matters already.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
RAAAH
Okay, so I basically got briefed for all my major assignments this semester (minus the ones from Media Anthropology and Screenwriting..which don't count, because the Media subject is nonsense and I love screenwriting so that's not really an assignment) and I feel like I can do this!
I mean, I am confident that I will succeed in this...not just pass...but actually do good! I CAN DO IT! RAAAH! (that's my confidence roar)
So wish me luck, pray for me, and since you seem to be doing a lot for me...you know, a present wouldn't hurt...just saying...
I mean, I am confident that I will succeed in this...not just pass...but actually do good! I CAN DO IT! RAAAH! (that's my confidence roar)
So wish me luck, pray for me, and since you seem to be doing a lot for me...you know, a present wouldn't hurt...just saying...
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Registered!!
Okay, so quick update on the train thing.
I went to KL sentral, did what I had to do...bought an awesome book, and then off to the cinema where I watched Sinister (it was hardly scary...spooky maybe, but that's around it) and then got back in one piece!
I recorded some of the events, but then I had my camera confiscated at the cinema because of piracy reasons so I couldn't show only half of it...buuu
Okay, update on that complete, now to the present.
I was freaking out since I hadn't registered and I didn't want to miss any classes on my first day (it would set a bad precedence), but by a stroke for good fortune I found out that the morning class is cancelled and the later class is at 2, which gave me plenty of time to register and wait comfortably in the library for the next class..(I'm blogging from there btw)
SO yeah...that's about it...I wasn't eaten or anything and managed to get a alot done in 2 days!...I also realised I tend to be a little melodramatic, but we're not discussing my many flaws here.
I went to KL sentral, did what I had to do...bought an awesome book, and then off to the cinema where I watched Sinister (it was hardly scary...spooky maybe, but that's around it) and then got back in one piece!
I recorded some of the events, but then I had my camera confiscated at the cinema because of piracy reasons so I couldn't show only half of it...buuu
Okay, update on that complete, now to the present.
I was freaking out since I hadn't registered and I didn't want to miss any classes on my first day (it would set a bad precedence), but by a stroke for good fortune I found out that the morning class is cancelled and the later class is at 2, which gave me plenty of time to register and wait comfortably in the library for the next class..(I'm blogging from there btw)
SO yeah...that's about it...I wasn't eaten or anything and managed to get a alot done in 2 days!...I also realised I tend to be a little melodramatic, but we're not discussing my many flaws here.
Friday, October 19, 2012
A train trip alone
Okay, so here's the thing.
I have to settle my fees before Monday (that's when classes start), but the closest bank where I can actually go withdraw from is in KL.
Well I'm not sure if it's the closest, but it's the most familiar and I never try anything new alone...I know, it's this weird thing I have.
There used to be one here in Cyberia; in fact, there used to be 2...but they both closed down which means every month I have to make an arduous journey to KL.
Usually, it's not so bad, seeing as I get to spend the day with my Senpai (sister XD) and that's always something to look forward too...but we just went to the bank like 2 days ago and she has her final year thesis to deal with...so today I venture out alone.
Now you may be thinking "It's just a trip to the bank!" ...well, it's a bus ride and a train trip to the bank! and I have a very big fear of buses..that's why I tend to walk everywhere (plus the exercise is good).
I think I'll also go to the mall today and catch a movie...Sinister is out, so I might give that a go. I don't have anything to do and after the horrid experience I am expecting for today pans out, I'm going to need some comfort, familiar relief...that and I really want to watch Sinister! XD
The trailer looks awesome! It's almost quarter past 7 so exercise, eat then shower...I'm trying to get back on my exercise schedule...and I'm not doing it to look good! (I like the way I look). I'm doing it for more energy...I tend to just falter and fall into a state of lethargy...which when being bombarded with assignments, may not be the best condition to be in. :l so yeah...If I don't update, then it's most probably because I was eaten ...or killed then skinned alive...oh god, why a bus?!
I have to settle my fees before Monday (that's when classes start), but the closest bank where I can actually go withdraw from is in KL.
Well I'm not sure if it's the closest, but it's the most familiar and I never try anything new alone...I know, it's this weird thing I have.
There used to be one here in Cyberia; in fact, there used to be 2...but they both closed down which means every month I have to make an arduous journey to KL.
Usually, it's not so bad, seeing as I get to spend the day with my Senpai (sister XD) and that's always something to look forward too...but we just went to the bank like 2 days ago and she has her final year thesis to deal with...so today I venture out alone.
Now you may be thinking "It's just a trip to the bank!" ...well, it's a bus ride and a train trip to the bank! and I have a very big fear of buses..that's why I tend to walk everywhere (plus the exercise is good).
I think I'll also go to the mall today and catch a movie...Sinister is out, so I might give that a go. I don't have anything to do and after the horrid experience I am expecting for today pans out, I'm going to need some comfort, familiar relief...that and I really want to watch Sinister! XD
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| Children with blood...what could be better? |
KL
Finally, after days of senseless brooding and wallowing myself into a ball of self pity, I finally snapped out of it.
The day was most random; I woke up ridicuously early and just cleaned up the room then took loads of photos of...anything! (though I was the principle subject)...after, I called Senpai and we finally decided to go to KL! we've been planning it for ages but there was always something in the way. And After hanging out with Senpai I realised why I was so depressed the past days...I was lonely! I mean, just that day and I felt much better...I missed the sound of another voice apart from my own. I find it so ironic, that I was complaining about how I can't stand people, and here the problem was that I was feeling alone!
Over all, a rather fun and tiring day!
The day was most random; I woke up ridicuously early and just cleaned up the room then took loads of photos of...anything! (though I was the principle subject)...after, I called Senpai and we finally decided to go to KL! we've been planning it for ages but there was always something in the way. And After hanging out with Senpai I realised why I was so depressed the past days...I was lonely! I mean, just that day and I felt much better...I missed the sound of another voice apart from my own. I find it so ironic, that I was complaining about how I can't stand people, and here the problem was that I was feeling alone!
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| PIE!!! |
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| Talking to sister...I don't think she was paying attenion :l |
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| PASTA!!! |
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| Can't remember the name, but there was a bluegh in there :3 |
Over all, a rather fun and tiring day!
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Stressed
Every nerve in my body is stressed! Why am I stressed? Let me try to clarify because I don't really know what's stressing me!
Firstly, the results came out but seeing as I am still barred I can't know if I passed or not, and the suspense is murder!
Secondly, I haven't registered because of reason A, and I really don't want to register only to find out that I failed the subject!
Thirdly, I don't feel so pious right now! I mean if I died tomorrow, i'd go to hell for sure...but I'm not doing anything about it!
Fourthly, I made a diet and exercise plan which I was supposed to follow for 7 weeks and I hardly did one!! So I feel awful about that of course!
Fifthly, I was trying to be more active this holiday and all I've done is research on stuff but hadn't actually put the knowledge to practice!
Sixthly, I just realised that people actually read my blog and all this time I've been ranting about hate and the stupidity of relationships when a dear friend was struggling with love! So I want to clarify here that all of this is just my understanding (or lack of understanding) of the way of the world. I had a rough and lonely childhood with a lot of betrayal and hurtful teasing which made my heart hardened to people. I can't trust them anymore because the 3 times I actually threw all my faith into someone, they all let me down and I was left broken. So everyone else pursue happy dreams and so on, I don't believe in it, but then I'm also afraid of purple goblins, stickers and empty wrappers.
and Lastly, I just feel so painfully alone. I know, how is this stressing me out? but everytime I think about my future, I scare myself by how empty it would be...and I love my family but they have thier lives to live as well...I can't be that creepy uncle who never seems to go away o.O...i mean I used to find my uncles a but annoying when I was younger and I guess this is karma right?
I don't know....it just feels like I am being overwhelmed with things I can't control...I know I should trust God and just live day by day, but that's easier said than done...
Firstly, the results came out but seeing as I am still barred I can't know if I passed or not, and the suspense is murder!
Secondly, I haven't registered because of reason A, and I really don't want to register only to find out that I failed the subject!
Thirdly, I don't feel so pious right now! I mean if I died tomorrow, i'd go to hell for sure...but I'm not doing anything about it!
Fourthly, I made a diet and exercise plan which I was supposed to follow for 7 weeks and I hardly did one!! So I feel awful about that of course!
Fifthly, I was trying to be more active this holiday and all I've done is research on stuff but hadn't actually put the knowledge to practice!
Sixthly, I just realised that people actually read my blog and all this time I've been ranting about hate and the stupidity of relationships when a dear friend was struggling with love! So I want to clarify here that all of this is just my understanding (or lack of understanding) of the way of the world. I had a rough and lonely childhood with a lot of betrayal and hurtful teasing which made my heart hardened to people. I can't trust them anymore because the 3 times I actually threw all my faith into someone, they all let me down and I was left broken. So everyone else pursue happy dreams and so on, I don't believe in it, but then I'm also afraid of purple goblins, stickers and empty wrappers.
and Lastly, I just feel so painfully alone. I know, how is this stressing me out? but everytime I think about my future, I scare myself by how empty it would be...and I love my family but they have thier lives to live as well...I can't be that creepy uncle who never seems to go away o.O...i mean I used to find my uncles a but annoying when I was younger and I guess this is karma right?
I don't know....it just feels like I am being overwhelmed with things I can't control...I know I should trust God and just live day by day, but that's easier said than done...
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