Am I ready?

My whole life, everything was planned for me. Saying my whole life is a bit of a stretch, I mean I'm only 22, but in those 22 years, everything I needed to do was given to me with instructions. Which school to go to, which friends to hang out with, what clothes to wear. I mean, I'm practically a 22 year old child. But now, it's all laid wide open. When I couldn't get advanced level physics, I knew my career as a civil engineer was lost to me. But I never really wanted it, I mean, the only reason I chose it was because a friend of mine said he wanted it and when my dad asked what I wanted to do, it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
My parents suggested I go into animation because of my love for cartoons, which at a point they tried to discourage. Though I was unrelenting in my admiration for anime. But even that was at their suggestion. I mean that's the system right, school, uni, work, marry, kids.
I'm almost done with uni, I've got 3 semesters left, that's like 1 and a half year, and honestly, I've never been more afraid.
I mean, where to next? should I go back home and search for a job? or travel abroad for it? So many possibilities are stretching out in front of me, but each one has a very good potential of being a horrible decision. What if I hit a dead end? who do I turn to?
I can't keep hiding in my parents embrace, waiting in their light for the world to get better. I should try to get out there, but even as I'm thinking it, what does that really mean? What do you do when you "get out there"?
And I don't see myself getting married, and kids are a definite no. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I know I tell people I don't like this, but that's just a half truth. The honest reply is that I'm afraid of them. They all seem so fragile! like I'm one step away from breaking and killing them. And they're so full of energy! I was a very quiet child, kept to myself most of the time. I had a number of imaginary friends, and actual people also frightened me. It wasn't until I was like 18 when I could socialize....and that was only because I learned several forms of self defense and incapacitation techniques.
But now, I don't think I can actually use those anymore. I mean, as an adult, I have to be responsible on how I act. The laws won't favour me if I break a windpipe because I was scared...not that has ever happened before. It's all so fast....well, if you think about it logically, it took 22 years to get here and I guess that's a long time, but I was instructed all that time. Now it just, good luck and get out there. I know my parents prepared me to their best of ability, and I'm probably just over thinking and over reacting to this as is my tradition. But that only lessens it by a bit. Telling yourself you're not afraid doesn't necessarily make the fear go away. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Reading about the percentages of unemployment and how shit the world has gone, just makes me want to hide away. Who do people cope with this kind of pressure? I feel attacked from every angle, and the worst is, that I'm doing this to myself! I think I can finally see why people fear growing up. I never had that much of childhood to brag about, and those were the most loneliest years of my life. I had only my siblings for company, so having friends is a major improvement. I still feel that sometimes I'm a bit of a dick to them, but that's not purposefully...being alone for so long makes you distrustful of other people.
Okay, I just jumped to like four different rants. The only question here is, am I ready to start a life?

Regret

So far since I've joined university there hasn't been anything that I regret doing, or not doing...until now.
I've always lead a logical lifestyle, on the outside anyways. That served me fairly well. When I talk of logic here, I am of course refering to my own logic. Things which may not make sense to others but to me are perfectly sound.
A good example would be when someone I liked confessed to me. My heart of course would like nothing better to take it further but my mind had to think closely about the situation. I mean the relationship was destined to end at a point which would lead to heartbreak and resentment. My father would definetely not approve and I'd hate to disappoint. And I have to focus on my studies because I'm already struggling to maintain a 3.5 CGPA. So as much as I would have liked to, logic demanded otherwise. Of course, I was depressed about it for a while. In fact for more than a while, I was always second guessing myself and wondering if I did the right thing. She did find someone else and got her happily ever after, so I guess I can finally forgive myself for what I did. And if I wasn't thinking logically, I would have ruined it for her. So there were no regrets there.
But mostly recently, as I was applying for my internship, I was very hesitant. Logic here was not my friend. I played it safe and was tarnished for it. I should've trusted in my own abilities. I should've known myself better, I mean there was no guarantee, but that shouldn't have stopped me. But it did, and now that is my most singular regret...I hesitated because I read the signs wrong. I fooled myself into thinking that I was thinking smart, when I was just being a coward about it all. I did the one thing I hate the most. I was indecisive.
Whenever I make a decision, I take it full throttle. Consequence be damned! I will deal with anything that comes my way, as it comes my way. But as long as I make a choice, I can handle the rest. Here, I didn't do a thing. Sure inaction can be considered as a choice on it's own, but I wasn't planning to be inactive. I didn't plan for shit! I did nothing. My mind was just reeling with blank thoughts.
My biggest regret to date is inaction, and here I can vow, I will never stand side lined in my own life again.

Not really me

Today I just realised that no one really knows the real me. And that's not from a lack of asking, but rather from the lies that I keep on telling. I'm honest about every aspect in life except about myself. I can't tell people about me. Lord knows why! I'm not sure if its fear that compels me, or trust...but whatever it is, when someone asks me a personal question, i either avoid it or lie about the answer. Don't get me wrong though, the only fear I have here is that one day the lies will finally catch up with me...I have no intention of letting anyone know who I really am. I'll give small doses of myself, but never the true me. Though it is interesting on how gullible people are, all I need to do is fake a facial expression or hesitate on a sentence and they think Im sputtering on the truth. Humans are such sheep.

Fireworks

So today started out as a usual Saturday. Woke up, ate...a lazy day in the making. It was the hot air balloon festival and I had other plans to not attend, though that fell through so feeling a bit bored I decides to call up my friends. Boke was free and he wanted to go to the thing and I was really hesitant because it was already late into the evening and I wasnt in the mood. But decided regardless since my schedule was depressingly clear and it was actually one of my better decisions this week. I had fun to say the least and got to see fireworks. Something about the fireworks get set in my good mood. Seeing them burst bright in the night sky was surprisingly euphoric. Got a video that I hope my net connection won't ass out and fail to upload.

Write

I can write! I know, you'd think that after 3 blogs and about 30 posts I'd realise that by now but hey, we're all not fast learners now are we?
Anyways, I have been on a writing high lately and I am typing, jotting, recording my every thought and I have to say, I've got some pretty good ideas...sometimes.
Still I've been praying for this kind of motivation and here it is. Its actually kind of weird how this high just comes and goes...I'll take what I can get though. Lets just hope it lasts.

Still Here.

Yes, I'm still alive.
Though at this point I wonder why even journal my life with a blog. The answer of course is because my actual journal is almost full and I'm still trying to keep that for future memories. Right now It's stuff with ticket stubs, receipts and photographs. So every other mundane thought has to put somewhere, and I'm not about to get 2 journals, because that would mean I'd eventually treat the second as equally revered as the first.
I have this weird thing where I tend to nice to inanimate objects. I sometimes feel bad when I drop a book or something, as if I'd dropped a small animal.

On the plus side, I've finished Gears of War. It's a game, in case there was any misunderstanding. Why does this deserve recognition you ask? (you probably didn't but I'd like to think you were curious) Well, for as long as I could remember, I would start a new game, bubbling with optimistic enthusiasm that this would be the one that would give me sweet release from the doldrums of my life, even for a moment, but then it would lose all appeal. Whenever I'd play again, it felt like a chore, not entertainment. For movies and books though this rule  has no application. When I start reading a series I HAVE to finish it, so much so that when they series gets cancelled along the way I'd create a fan fiction ending so that I can have closure.  But back to the main point. I finished Gears of War! The first game since forever where I actually started and ended. I don't know, it feels like I've accomplished something here.

That's about it I guess. Just wanted to announce my existence.

Smart phone awesome

Blogging on my phone. Smart phone are seriously getting more awesome with each passing day. Though I have the most smallest keypad so that's proving to be an issue, but nothing that patience and autocorrect can't handle.