The road to awe

 I've prayed for strength. I've prayed to be stronger and I've prayed to be better. I've prayed for God's love and forgiveness. But mostly, I've prayed for my family.
I once heard that if you pray for success, god won't make it rain money, rather god will give you the opportunity to be successful. 
I'm not going to preach that I'm a very good muslim...God knows how flawed I really am, how many times I've deviated from the path of good. But I honestly try to be a better person, a compassionate soul that knows kindness and a helping hand in a world where such people are taken advantage of.
I told myself that if I suffer on earth, I'd be rewarded in heaven; so no matter how much agony I receive, I will stomach it and move on...because this life is just a dream between wakes. Live like you're going to die tomorrow, but plan like you're going to live forever....a saying my mum constantly reminds me of.
I used to think that my life was incomplete, like I was missing out because I couldn't do the things that the media portrays as fun, as living. For a long time, I felt like my life was lacking, like I was being robbed of the things I should've had.
But now I realize, it's that I can't do it...it's that I won't.
I don't want the life that is pictured on a TV screen. I thought I'd be sad if that had happened to me...and I may be sad...but it's a depression that will heal.
But what I cannot stomach, what I cannot fathom is disappointing the people who are my universe.
“‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and
he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.’”
I think I can finally relate to Wuthering Heights...

Confident

For some reason, I am having an unbelievable amount of confidence! I can feel like I can do this!!
Usually, I'd be hesitant about this and fret but now I feel like I can do this! I repeated the sentence..I know..
but repetition is the key, if I can convince myself I can convince the world right? and besides! Why am I hesitant about this, yes I am new to this and yes I do pick up things rather slowly and one more yes I do feel extremely hesitant whenever I try to experiment with new stuff...but that's the thing innit? I have to break out of my comfort zone and free myself to experience the beauty of art. We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up (thank you batman!)...you might be wondering why I am spouting all this about new found confidence when I haven't really made any reference to older post about it...but i've been feeling this positivity in my head and I find myself bursting with energy!

Work! Work! Work!

There is so much work going around right now I feel like I don't know where one starts and one ends! but at the same time this is the kind of energy I live off! It makes me feel alive! I'm not a workaholic btw, I'm actually quite the lazy bum, it's just all this stress gives me the sense that I am growing as a person. I have a very strict belief in the "no pain, no gain" motto. If i'm not suffering, I'm not growing....that's a slightly masochistic perspective of life now that I type it out, but I'm not into self harm. I can't ride a bicycle because I'm afraid of falling! and the sight of a needle makes me squirm...which is ironic considering the unusually high number of injections I've received since. Right now I'm working on a render for a very good friend and a sprite sheet for a total stranger. Well the very good friend is Boke who is going on a break in the middle of a semester (Does that make sense?) but I'll be damned if I stop someone from seeing their family, so I'm trying to make sure that his visit to them isn't marred by assignment worries! I also have animatics, a storyboard and reference sheets to do, so it's not like I have the free time to help every wayward soul. Still I'd like to think that one day karma will do me a service for all this good vibes that I'm putting out...and I just got good fortune so I don't really want to mess it up by being a jackass! (yes, I'm that superstitious)
As an unusual tradition, I leave you with a random recording which has nothing to do with this post and recorded on crappy instruments!

Design Break!

Okay, if ANYONE has been viewing my blog recently, they would've noticed the frequent design changes...that's basically because I feel like every template doesn't speak to me (said in a douche art critic voice..for some reason I imagine it in a lisp)...anyways, lisping aside..I want to re-invent my blog, so I've decided to pull it down for a few days and just get it awesome....okay that wasn't really my decision, it was a spontaneous thought I just had...and I don't think I'll pull it down, just change it..so bear with me...I wonder who is bearing this with me by the way..this blog is basically just my ranting webspace...I don't think anyone really reads it!
but before I depart I leave you with a violin recording done with a webcam and crappy microphone...I feel like there's progress in my violining and especially since all the songs you are about to hear (and regret hearing) are played by ear! XD

This is just a small lol, but as I typed "violining" my auto correct gave me "don't you mean violating?" ....oh, how right you are...

Depressed

I've been feeling really depressed lately, so much so I've been having suicidal thoughts...but we all know I'm way too afraid of hell to actually kill myself. They will just be dark morbid fantasies...and for some reason, whenever I picture myself dead, it would be firstly because I was diagnosed with an incurable disease or run over by a car, then I'm left in a state of disability and spontaneously decide to off myself...I think my conscious is trying to justify my evil acts. Suicide is basically murder..self murder but still that same thing.
I have no idea where this depression stems from. It's like a poison, I can feel it coursing through me;tainting every thought. It started ever since I came back to Malaysia. I think I feel robbed, like the universe cut the time I should've had with my family, but I left on a happy note. Usually I'd be openly depressed on the day of departure and wallow in grief for a few days before pulling myself back together. But this time, the farewell seemed permanent; like this was the last time I was going to see them. I have this horrible feeling in my gut that something dreadful is about to happen. I want to say I'm being superstitious but I don't really believe that I am.
I feel so distant with everyone.
Sometimes I wonder if we all see the same things.

Freeing

I just deleted my facebook and twitter accounts...it was a very impulsive act, i just decided that I don't want one anymore...well that's not entirely true...I wanted to delete my fb account for sometime but couldn't pick up the reason too...I finally decided to just do it, reasons aside...I'm tired of so many online presences. I've been feeling spread out and laid too thin lately, I think this is a good thing. I need to find myself. The foundation that built me was shaken recently, but I think I'm finally on the road to recovery.

Nothing yet.

I haven't updated in ages, but it's really not my fault, seeing as I'm not a regular blogger....but I do have a lot on my mind...so many ideas that are just ideas at the moment and will hopefully grow into fruition once I get less lazy...right now, It's Violining and Modelling my arse off...I think I'm improving...unfortunately, i don't have a sound recorder anymore so I can't upload any songs, unless you don't mind an awful quality...(who is "you" btw I wonder...) anyways, I'm sleepy and need to get up early so tomorrow, inshallah, I upload something.