I CAN DO IT!

I recently read a book stating that the biggest obstacle people face is telling themselves that they can't be as good as someone. For such a long time that was my excuse! I would see some work and comment like "he had more experience than I did"...but that's just an excuse! I can be just as good, if not better!
So know I am stating, that I can do it! and not only that...but I will do it! This is going to be my semester...this is going to be my time to shine! If i pass my subjects, I am going to give it everything I have to pass...and If i fail, then that will give me all the more power to shine...(but god I hope I dont fail)
To anyone and everyone reading this, just know that as cheesy and corny as it sounds..I believe in you! I know that sometimes things seem impossible and you just want to quit an give up! but never give up, as many times as you fall, stand up and continue forward...because to really succeed in life, we just have to want to.

I'll do this for you

I know I'm not perfect, and I've come to terms with that. I know who I am and I honestly am happy with the way I turned out.
Sure there are some things about me that I wish were different. For instance, I wish I didn't have this crippling fear of crowds...or small groups really.
But that's the way I am...and for the most part, you accepted me as I was.
I know you never do this intentionally, but it hurts when you describe my faults. You don't mean to hurt me, I know, but I still feel the pain of it.
I was angry at first, but now I think I know why.
I guess somewhere along the line, I didn't just value your opinion, I wanted it.
I acted nonchalant about us; made it seem like there was nothing there. But you haven't the idea how desperately I crave for it to be.
I'm still as cavalier as I ever was. Still as candid, because that's the me you seem to adore.
So I decided to change for the better, I'm no longer comfortable with the flaws I have. The ones I passed off as psychological by birth, the ones concerning me. You point them out because you care, so I'm going to do something about it. I'll do this for you, but not just...they're for me as well.

The road to awe

 I've prayed for strength. I've prayed to be stronger and I've prayed to be better. I've prayed for God's love and forgiveness. But mostly, I've prayed for my family.
I once heard that if you pray for success, god won't make it rain money, rather god will give you the opportunity to be successful. 
I'm not going to preach that I'm a very good muslim...God knows how flawed I really am, how many times I've deviated from the path of good. But I honestly try to be a better person, a compassionate soul that knows kindness and a helping hand in a world where such people are taken advantage of.
I told myself that if I suffer on earth, I'd be rewarded in heaven; so no matter how much agony I receive, I will stomach it and move on...because this life is just a dream between wakes. Live like you're going to die tomorrow, but plan like you're going to live forever....a saying my mum constantly reminds me of.
I used to think that my life was incomplete, like I was missing out because I couldn't do the things that the media portrays as fun, as living. For a long time, I felt like my life was lacking, like I was being robbed of the things I should've had.
But now I realize, it's that I can't do it...it's that I won't.
I don't want the life that is pictured on a TV screen. I thought I'd be sad if that had happened to me...and I may be sad...but it's a depression that will heal.
But what I cannot stomach, what I cannot fathom is disappointing the people who are my universe.
“‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and
he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.’”
I think I can finally relate to Wuthering Heights...

Confident

For some reason, I am having an unbelievable amount of confidence! I can feel like I can do this!!
Usually, I'd be hesitant about this and fret but now I feel like I can do this! I repeated the sentence..I know..
but repetition is the key, if I can convince myself I can convince the world right? and besides! Why am I hesitant about this, yes I am new to this and yes I do pick up things rather slowly and one more yes I do feel extremely hesitant whenever I try to experiment with new stuff...but that's the thing innit? I have to break out of my comfort zone and free myself to experience the beauty of art. We fall so we can learn to pick ourselves up (thank you batman!)...you might be wondering why I am spouting all this about new found confidence when I haven't really made any reference to older post about it...but i've been feeling this positivity in my head and I find myself bursting with energy!

Work! Work! Work!

There is so much work going around right now I feel like I don't know where one starts and one ends! but at the same time this is the kind of energy I live off! It makes me feel alive! I'm not a workaholic btw, I'm actually quite the lazy bum, it's just all this stress gives me the sense that I am growing as a person. I have a very strict belief in the "no pain, no gain" motto. If i'm not suffering, I'm not growing....that's a slightly masochistic perspective of life now that I type it out, but I'm not into self harm. I can't ride a bicycle because I'm afraid of falling! and the sight of a needle makes me squirm...which is ironic considering the unusually high number of injections I've received since. Right now I'm working on a render for a very good friend and a sprite sheet for a total stranger. Well the very good friend is Boke who is going on a break in the middle of a semester (Does that make sense?) but I'll be damned if I stop someone from seeing their family, so I'm trying to make sure that his visit to them isn't marred by assignment worries! I also have animatics, a storyboard and reference sheets to do, so it's not like I have the free time to help every wayward soul. Still I'd like to think that one day karma will do me a service for all this good vibes that I'm putting out...and I just got good fortune so I don't really want to mess it up by being a jackass! (yes, I'm that superstitious)
As an unusual tradition, I leave you with a random recording which has nothing to do with this post and recorded on crappy instruments!

Design Break!

Okay, if ANYONE has been viewing my blog recently, they would've noticed the frequent design changes...that's basically because I feel like every template doesn't speak to me (said in a douche art critic voice..for some reason I imagine it in a lisp)...anyways, lisping aside..I want to re-invent my blog, so I've decided to pull it down for a few days and just get it awesome....okay that wasn't really my decision, it was a spontaneous thought I just had...and I don't think I'll pull it down, just change it..so bear with me...I wonder who is bearing this with me by the way..this blog is basically just my ranting webspace...I don't think anyone really reads it!
but before I depart I leave you with a violin recording done with a webcam and crappy microphone...I feel like there's progress in my violining and especially since all the songs you are about to hear (and regret hearing) are played by ear! XD

This is just a small lol, but as I typed "violining" my auto correct gave me "don't you mean violating?" ....oh, how right you are...

Depressed

I've been feeling really depressed lately, so much so I've been having suicidal thoughts...but we all know I'm way too afraid of hell to actually kill myself. They will just be dark morbid fantasies...and for some reason, whenever I picture myself dead, it would be firstly because I was diagnosed with an incurable disease or run over by a car, then I'm left in a state of disability and spontaneously decide to off myself...I think my conscious is trying to justify my evil acts. Suicide is basically murder..self murder but still that same thing.
I have no idea where this depression stems from. It's like a poison, I can feel it coursing through me;tainting every thought. It started ever since I came back to Malaysia. I think I feel robbed, like the universe cut the time I should've had with my family, but I left on a happy note. Usually I'd be openly depressed on the day of departure and wallow in grief for a few days before pulling myself back together. But this time, the farewell seemed permanent; like this was the last time I was going to see them. I have this horrible feeling in my gut that something dreadful is about to happen. I want to say I'm being superstitious but I don't really believe that I am.
I feel so distant with everyone.
Sometimes I wonder if we all see the same things.