Just the Usual

Nothing specific here, just the usual rant...but today I'm going to delve into a topic a actively avoid in discussion...religion.
The stigma around religion is getting to be a tad cumbersome. I get it, not everyone wants to follow an organized religion and freedom of choice or whatever...but you're bashing on my beliefs and that's not cool.
The common arguement is that we should develop as a species, embrace the new and rid of the old. I mean, we further ourselves with technology, throwing away the obsolete and striving for progress. But (and I can't believe I'm going to quote Umbridge) Progress for progress's sake should be discouraged. I mean, just going forward simply because we can shouldn't mean we should. It's a little non-sensical to me. Why are we rushing to a future, when we could improve on the present. Which brings me back to the whole religion thing. Yes, I get that some of the religious rules may seem a little barbaric. But recently, My brother pointed out to me that religion should infact be factual and though I haven't yet understood the secrets of the universe ( from a complete lack of trying) I do see some fact in my religion. I mean surely, somethings are harder to believe and must be taken on faith first (like the splitting of the sea) but I guess it does make sense to create an event so grand, so implausible that it creates a sense of awe. I mean, if the prophets did what we could replicate in this day then why would be revere them? They would simply be the first person to do it, and sure that gets you some royalties, but in the end, we dont pray for Armstrong do we?
I'm just ranting here, so bear with me.
I guess it's just a personal feeling, but I like the strictness of my religion. In a time where everything is so changeable I guess knowing that there is in fact a solid in my life gives me comfort. To me that's why I think God created religion in the first place. I know God doesn't need our worship, so the question arises why was religion created in the first place?
I pray as frequent as I can, and I observe the rules (most of them) of my religion. I try to be a good person and follow the moral codes and ethics every decent human being should. I get that religion teaches us to be a better person but so does school. You don't necessarily need religion to be a saint (lol, pun intended)...If we go against that logic then we should assume that all atheists are dicks, and I've got some pretty awesome atheist friends. So why does religion exist?
Goin back to my aforementioned theory, I think religion is an anchor that reminds us where we are and what we're doing. It keeps us focused on the here and the now, but always reminding us that there is a tomorrow. I like the concept of Heaven, and I do believe it exists. What's the alternative? Live a short menial life then just...die? That's horribly depressing! What does it all mean if that's the case? Why am I alive only to die? I mean, the whole test thing in religion gives you a reason to wake up and not blow out your neighbours brains.
I don't know, I just wanted to vent out some thoughts that were in my head. To me, religion is very important....and please note I wrote religion and not Islam. I am a practising Muslim, but I would never bash my Christian or what have you friends. Belief is belief, and to each his own I always say! :)
Peace out! 

Finally

After days of annoying errors and an on and off again depression, Its finally happened! I know this is all very ambiguous but frankly, Im relying on it. I can't go into detail on how stressed I was just 2 days ago and now I feel like an orange...I should explain, I just came from the shower and my gel is blood orange scented...I shouldve just wrote I feel fresh. Anyways, problem solved, classes registered and now I just have to wait for Monday to feel awesome.

*This was written ages ago but was never published* 

Rants

Another rant, but this one is totally worth it...or so he says.
Okay, I'm going to vent about a LOT of things so bear with me...though at this point I do realise no one is actually reading these, but I'm cool with it. The honest truth is that I'm a fairly secretive person so I use my blog as an outlet. I guess I feel the need to talk to someone but there's no one in my social circle I can commune with this level of honesty. I mostly just lie when they ask how I am...not sure why?...anyways, onto the rant!
First of, I've been helping a friend with a project that he's doing for his class and he's paying me for it. Which made me realise I like money...I know, so much for not being materialistic.
I also like buying things, a lot. I seem to go on a spending frenzy, though this can be partly due to my brother's influence. His philosophy is don't die rich. Simply because when you're dead, all your savings account for squat. So he burns all his savings the moment he gets them. I'm not entirely sure if I like his teaching, but I'm going through it right now and the results are still ambigious.
Secondly, I like girls.
I'm not saying this in a I- was-confused-with-my-sexuality kind of way, it's more of a I-thought-I-was-above-that line. This whole time I saw girls come and go and sure I had crushes on some, but by the next day I was like meh. I thought that it was because I had a higher level of discipline (I know, I'm an arrogant ass) than most so I could simply will away the urges. Turns out I just didn't find them attractive. But some days ago, I met this girl who was like me (part-african, part arabian) and my heart went like a rocket. I actually giggled ant stammered when she was talking to me...I didn't know I was capable of such nonsense.
Which brings me to my third rant, which is I'm a racist!
I mean, there were so many potentials before and I like to exercise restraint when it comes to female relationships, so that nothing happens. I'm a firm believer of the whole sex after marriage and the no dating thing. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to meet a random stranger and just decide "Okay, you'll do!". I do want to get to know her and everything, but within boundaries. And this goes beyond my religion. I'm a romantic in the sense that the girl I marry is the first and only girl I will ever know. I want to have exactly 1 girlfriend, 1 fiancée  and 1 wife...all of whom are the same person. We meet, we fall in love (or some equivalent) then we marry and die. So whenever a girl approaches me, I always ask myself "Is she the one" which of course she isn't so that doesn't go well.
Which brings us back to me being a racist though, this girl I met (during Ramadhan no less, astagfirullah) made me forget all my policies, rules and discipline. She was like some temptress sent to charm just me. I gawked openly at her for a full minute, I don't think I've ever given anyone my full attention for that long. Her skin, her eyes, her hair...all of it was perfect. And I wasn't even fantasing about her. I mean, if I have a type, it would be red or soft brown wavy hair, green or brown eyes and a rich olive complexion. She had frizzy brown hair, black eyes and was a shade lighter than me. But it was enough! I wanted to know her and was honestly jealous that I didn't already. Damn. I thought I was immune.
It's the holy month for these thoughts shouldn't even exist right now, which makes me feel all the more bad.
Lastly, I am tired.
I have been working non-stop for the past weeks and I want to spend a whole week doing nothing and just recuperate. My heart is still racing (from exhaustion) and my mind fells like its on fire right now. A thousand thoughts just all jumbled up that I can barely concentrate on what I'm doing. Thus the rant. I need to vent out some to make it all clearer.
Wow, this is a long post.
Future me, if you're reading this...tell me how it went with the succubus?

Am I ready?

My whole life, everything was planned for me. Saying my whole life is a bit of a stretch, I mean I'm only 22, but in those 22 years, everything I needed to do was given to me with instructions. Which school to go to, which friends to hang out with, what clothes to wear. I mean, I'm practically a 22 year old child. But now, it's all laid wide open. When I couldn't get advanced level physics, I knew my career as a civil engineer was lost to me. But I never really wanted it, I mean, the only reason I chose it was because a friend of mine said he wanted it and when my dad asked what I wanted to do, it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
My parents suggested I go into animation because of my love for cartoons, which at a point they tried to discourage. Though I was unrelenting in my admiration for anime. But even that was at their suggestion. I mean that's the system right, school, uni, work, marry, kids.
I'm almost done with uni, I've got 3 semesters left, that's like 1 and a half year, and honestly, I've never been more afraid.
I mean, where to next? should I go back home and search for a job? or travel abroad for it? So many possibilities are stretching out in front of me, but each one has a very good potential of being a horrible decision. What if I hit a dead end? who do I turn to?
I can't keep hiding in my parents embrace, waiting in their light for the world to get better. I should try to get out there, but even as I'm thinking it, what does that really mean? What do you do when you "get out there"?
And I don't see myself getting married, and kids are a definite no. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I know I tell people I don't like this, but that's just a half truth. The honest reply is that I'm afraid of them. They all seem so fragile! like I'm one step away from breaking and killing them. And they're so full of energy! I was a very quiet child, kept to myself most of the time. I had a number of imaginary friends, and actual people also frightened me. It wasn't until I was like 18 when I could socialize....and that was only because I learned several forms of self defense and incapacitation techniques.
But now, I don't think I can actually use those anymore. I mean, as an adult, I have to be responsible on how I act. The laws won't favour me if I break a windpipe because I was scared...not that has ever happened before. It's all so fast....well, if you think about it logically, it took 22 years to get here and I guess that's a long time, but I was instructed all that time. Now it just, good luck and get out there. I know my parents prepared me to their best of ability, and I'm probably just over thinking and over reacting to this as is my tradition. But that only lessens it by a bit. Telling yourself you're not afraid doesn't necessarily make the fear go away. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Reading about the percentages of unemployment and how shit the world has gone, just makes me want to hide away. Who do people cope with this kind of pressure? I feel attacked from every angle, and the worst is, that I'm doing this to myself! I think I can finally see why people fear growing up. I never had that much of childhood to brag about, and those were the most loneliest years of my life. I had only my siblings for company, so having friends is a major improvement. I still feel that sometimes I'm a bit of a dick to them, but that's not purposefully...being alone for so long makes you distrustful of other people.
Okay, I just jumped to like four different rants. The only question here is, am I ready to start a life?

Regret

So far since I've joined university there hasn't been anything that I regret doing, or not doing...until now.
I've always lead a logical lifestyle, on the outside anyways. That served me fairly well. When I talk of logic here, I am of course refering to my own logic. Things which may not make sense to others but to me are perfectly sound.
A good example would be when someone I liked confessed to me. My heart of course would like nothing better to take it further but my mind had to think closely about the situation. I mean the relationship was destined to end at a point which would lead to heartbreak and resentment. My father would definetely not approve and I'd hate to disappoint. And I have to focus on my studies because I'm already struggling to maintain a 3.5 CGPA. So as much as I would have liked to, logic demanded otherwise. Of course, I was depressed about it for a while. In fact for more than a while, I was always second guessing myself and wondering if I did the right thing. She did find someone else and got her happily ever after, so I guess I can finally forgive myself for what I did. And if I wasn't thinking logically, I would have ruined it for her. So there were no regrets there.
But mostly recently, as I was applying for my internship, I was very hesitant. Logic here was not my friend. I played it safe and was tarnished for it. I should've trusted in my own abilities. I should've known myself better, I mean there was no guarantee, but that shouldn't have stopped me. But it did, and now that is my most singular regret...I hesitated because I read the signs wrong. I fooled myself into thinking that I was thinking smart, when I was just being a coward about it all. I did the one thing I hate the most. I was indecisive.
Whenever I make a decision, I take it full throttle. Consequence be damned! I will deal with anything that comes my way, as it comes my way. But as long as I make a choice, I can handle the rest. Here, I didn't do a thing. Sure inaction can be considered as a choice on it's own, but I wasn't planning to be inactive. I didn't plan for shit! I did nothing. My mind was just reeling with blank thoughts.
My biggest regret to date is inaction, and here I can vow, I will never stand side lined in my own life again.

Not really me

Today I just realised that no one really knows the real me. And that's not from a lack of asking, but rather from the lies that I keep on telling. I'm honest about every aspect in life except about myself. I can't tell people about me. Lord knows why! I'm not sure if its fear that compels me, or trust...but whatever it is, when someone asks me a personal question, i either avoid it or lie about the answer. Don't get me wrong though, the only fear I have here is that one day the lies will finally catch up with me...I have no intention of letting anyone know who I really am. I'll give small doses of myself, but never the true me. Though it is interesting on how gullible people are, all I need to do is fake a facial expression or hesitate on a sentence and they think Im sputtering on the truth. Humans are such sheep.

Fireworks

So today started out as a usual Saturday. Woke up, ate...a lazy day in the making. It was the hot air balloon festival and I had other plans to not attend, though that fell through so feeling a bit bored I decides to call up my friends. Boke was free and he wanted to go to the thing and I was really hesitant because it was already late into the evening and I wasnt in the mood. But decided regardless since my schedule was depressingly clear and it was actually one of my better decisions this week. I had fun to say the least and got to see fireworks. Something about the fireworks get set in my good mood. Seeing them burst bright in the night sky was surprisingly euphoric. Got a video that I hope my net connection won't ass out and fail to upload.