I'm over you

I'm over you. I'm not going to obsess about you or your boyfriend anymore. Of course, writing about it isn't going to just magically make it true, but now that it's out there on my limited ambiguous blog, I feel pressured to honor it...I don't know. I just need to tell someone that I'm trying to let you go, it just hurts a bit to see how easily you could do the same for me. But you reap what you sow so I guess I had this coming.

Sad little boy

I'm going to leave this very ambiguous but I need to rant since I have no one else to rant to. Anyways someone I really liked apparently moved on and is very happy with her life. We were so close to be together but religion kept us apart. Anyways, I don't blame her because I was the one who decided to follow the holy path instead of my heart. So she was heartbroken and so was I...but she found someone else and to be honest, I was happy for her at first. But I cant stand them. I can't hang around her because it feels like my heart is breaking and I can't stand him because I want to rip his throat out. Regardless, this was the path I chose so I shouldn't be complaining and if the choice came again, I know ill do the same thing again. It doesn't make it any easier though. There was a time when I felt devastated and depressed for ages. I felt like the world was empty and broken...and religion has always made me feel whole again. There were moments where the worst that could happen, did! and there was no one around to lean on, but I prayed and miracles happened. I know Im not the most faithful person, but I do try to be better. I'd be lying if I said I didn't question my religion at times (like these times) but I can't understand the grander scheme of life so I guess God has greater plans than the ones were making. I guess I just see what might have been and Im hoping that I get that sometime soon.

Explode!

I need to rant. I have no other outlet because this is very personal, which now as I'm typing I realize that posting it to a public blog may be the most dumbest thing I've ever done, but still....If I keep this is any longer I'm going to explode.
So far, I've been alone. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've never truly belonged to a group of friends. They would always have their critical key friendship moments and I wouldn't be there. Not because I was busy, but simply I didn't want to go. Which now I realise, I'm selfish. The reason I don't have close friends is because I don't allow them to get close. I give them reason to stay away from me. I don't mean this is a I'm a dangerous vampire edward way, rather I just pull away when they become too friendly with me.
I have never had an honest conversation with someone. The moment it gets just a little real I pull away. I wasn't bothered by this when I was younger and actually was glad that nobody knew the real me. But now I realise, that nobody knows the real me. It's a bit sad if you think about it, that not one person can truly explain me. I don't mean that they understand me entirely but just as a person. My dreams and fears. My hopes and sadness. Nothing. I never told a soul, and if I did I lied and edited. I exaggerated and I don't really know why.
The truth?
I'm fairly sure I'm in love with my classmate, in fact I can't call her a classmate because I feel like I'm demeaning her. I couldn't be with her in our final group and it crushed me. I was devastated for weeks trying to find the courage to tell her. I made a commitment earlier and I was going to break it for her.
I can't think anymore. I can't breathe. It's annoying and heart wrenching. Part of me wishes I never met her and another part is telling the first to shut up.
If she had a boyfriend or something I could finally move on I think. But she doesn't! The saddest thing is that nothing good can come of this. Religiously I can't date for fun, and I can't get married because she doesn't follow my religion....and that doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I can't explain that to my father. I can't break his heart like this. Religion is the one thing my father takes with utmost sincerity. When no one believed in me he let me go to an art school, even with a vague future. I can't destroy his trust like this, but at the same time, my heart feels like it's been torn asunder. There are days when I can't stand to look at her but regret not catching a glimpse. And the thing is, she's not the perfect girl. In fact she as far from girly as I know. She's loud and abrasive. Noisy, perveted and sometimes downright mean. But she has a big heart and she cares very deeply. She cries during sad endings and holds hands when crossing roads. She doesn't stand for injustice and apologizes when she makes mistakes. ...This is the third time this story is being told...but now it's different.
The first was with a classmate who belonged to another.
The second was a friend who was just hurt.
And now this...
Now you're probably wondering how I went from talking about trust issues to love? Well if you're not you're not very observant.
Anyways, it's simple. I lied.
When anyone asked if I liked anyone I lied. When she asked if I ever think about relationships, I push her away and say that it's pointless. I gave her every reason to stay away from me and with every lie I feel like I'm breaking just a little inside. I wish all of this could go away. I wish I could sever my feelings from myself...but then I think about the tranquil from dragon age and suddenly the idea doesn't seem as compelling. (I'm a nerd I know)
Anyways, I needed to get that out because keeping it in was giving me a headache. Throw it to the wind and watch the colours dance in the breeze...I'm one dramatic asshole.

Just the Usual

Nothing specific here, just the usual rant...but today I'm going to delve into a topic a actively avoid in discussion...religion.
The stigma around religion is getting to be a tad cumbersome. I get it, not everyone wants to follow an organized religion and freedom of choice or whatever...but you're bashing on my beliefs and that's not cool.
The common arguement is that we should develop as a species, embrace the new and rid of the old. I mean, we further ourselves with technology, throwing away the obsolete and striving for progress. But (and I can't believe I'm going to quote Umbridge) Progress for progress's sake should be discouraged. I mean, just going forward simply because we can shouldn't mean we should. It's a little non-sensical to me. Why are we rushing to a future, when we could improve on the present. Which brings me back to the whole religion thing. Yes, I get that some of the religious rules may seem a little barbaric. But recently, My brother pointed out to me that religion should infact be factual and though I haven't yet understood the secrets of the universe ( from a complete lack of trying) I do see some fact in my religion. I mean surely, somethings are harder to believe and must be taken on faith first (like the splitting of the sea) but I guess it does make sense to create an event so grand, so implausible that it creates a sense of awe. I mean, if the prophets did what we could replicate in this day then why would be revere them? They would simply be the first person to do it, and sure that gets you some royalties, but in the end, we dont pray for Armstrong do we?
I'm just ranting here, so bear with me.
I guess it's just a personal feeling, but I like the strictness of my religion. In a time where everything is so changeable I guess knowing that there is in fact a solid in my life gives me comfort. To me that's why I think God created religion in the first place. I know God doesn't need our worship, so the question arises why was religion created in the first place?
I pray as frequent as I can, and I observe the rules (most of them) of my religion. I try to be a good person and follow the moral codes and ethics every decent human being should. I get that religion teaches us to be a better person but so does school. You don't necessarily need religion to be a saint (lol, pun intended)...If we go against that logic then we should assume that all atheists are dicks, and I've got some pretty awesome atheist friends. So why does religion exist?
Goin back to my aforementioned theory, I think religion is an anchor that reminds us where we are and what we're doing. It keeps us focused on the here and the now, but always reminding us that there is a tomorrow. I like the concept of Heaven, and I do believe it exists. What's the alternative? Live a short menial life then just...die? That's horribly depressing! What does it all mean if that's the case? Why am I alive only to die? I mean, the whole test thing in religion gives you a reason to wake up and not blow out your neighbours brains.
I don't know, I just wanted to vent out some thoughts that were in my head. To me, religion is very important....and please note I wrote religion and not Islam. I am a practising Muslim, but I would never bash my Christian or what have you friends. Belief is belief, and to each his own I always say! :)
Peace out! 

Finally

After days of annoying errors and an on and off again depression, Its finally happened! I know this is all very ambiguous but frankly, Im relying on it. I can't go into detail on how stressed I was just 2 days ago and now I feel like an orange...I should explain, I just came from the shower and my gel is blood orange scented...I shouldve just wrote I feel fresh. Anyways, problem solved, classes registered and now I just have to wait for Monday to feel awesome.

*This was written ages ago but was never published* 

Rants

Another rant, but this one is totally worth it...or so he says.
Okay, I'm going to vent about a LOT of things so bear with me...though at this point I do realise no one is actually reading these, but I'm cool with it. The honest truth is that I'm a fairly secretive person so I use my blog as an outlet. I guess I feel the need to talk to someone but there's no one in my social circle I can commune with this level of honesty. I mostly just lie when they ask how I am...not sure why?...anyways, onto the rant!
First of, I've been helping a friend with a project that he's doing for his class and he's paying me for it. Which made me realise I like money...I know, so much for not being materialistic.
I also like buying things, a lot. I seem to go on a spending frenzy, though this can be partly due to my brother's influence. His philosophy is don't die rich. Simply because when you're dead, all your savings account for squat. So he burns all his savings the moment he gets them. I'm not entirely sure if I like his teaching, but I'm going through it right now and the results are still ambigious.
Secondly, I like girls.
I'm not saying this in a I- was-confused-with-my-sexuality kind of way, it's more of a I-thought-I-was-above-that line. This whole time I saw girls come and go and sure I had crushes on some, but by the next day I was like meh. I thought that it was because I had a higher level of discipline (I know, I'm an arrogant ass) than most so I could simply will away the urges. Turns out I just didn't find them attractive. But some days ago, I met this girl who was like me (part-african, part arabian) and my heart went like a rocket. I actually giggled ant stammered when she was talking to me...I didn't know I was capable of such nonsense.
Which brings me to my third rant, which is I'm a racist!
I mean, there were so many potentials before and I like to exercise restraint when it comes to female relationships, so that nothing happens. I'm a firm believer of the whole sex after marriage and the no dating thing. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to meet a random stranger and just decide "Okay, you'll do!". I do want to get to know her and everything, but within boundaries. And this goes beyond my religion. I'm a romantic in the sense that the girl I marry is the first and only girl I will ever know. I want to have exactly 1 girlfriend, 1 fiancée  and 1 wife...all of whom are the same person. We meet, we fall in love (or some equivalent) then we marry and die. So whenever a girl approaches me, I always ask myself "Is she the one" which of course she isn't so that doesn't go well.
Which brings us back to me being a racist though, this girl I met (during Ramadhan no less, astagfirullah) made me forget all my policies, rules and discipline. She was like some temptress sent to charm just me. I gawked openly at her for a full minute, I don't think I've ever given anyone my full attention for that long. Her skin, her eyes, her hair...all of it was perfect. And I wasn't even fantasing about her. I mean, if I have a type, it would be red or soft brown wavy hair, green or brown eyes and a rich olive complexion. She had frizzy brown hair, black eyes and was a shade lighter than me. But it was enough! I wanted to know her and was honestly jealous that I didn't already. Damn. I thought I was immune.
It's the holy month for these thoughts shouldn't even exist right now, which makes me feel all the more bad.
Lastly, I am tired.
I have been working non-stop for the past weeks and I want to spend a whole week doing nothing and just recuperate. My heart is still racing (from exhaustion) and my mind fells like its on fire right now. A thousand thoughts just all jumbled up that I can barely concentrate on what I'm doing. Thus the rant. I need to vent out some to make it all clearer.
Wow, this is a long post.
Future me, if you're reading this...tell me how it went with the succubus?

Am I ready?

My whole life, everything was planned for me. Saying my whole life is a bit of a stretch, I mean I'm only 22, but in those 22 years, everything I needed to do was given to me with instructions. Which school to go to, which friends to hang out with, what clothes to wear. I mean, I'm practically a 22 year old child. But now, it's all laid wide open. When I couldn't get advanced level physics, I knew my career as a civil engineer was lost to me. But I never really wanted it, I mean, the only reason I chose it was because a friend of mine said he wanted it and when my dad asked what I wanted to do, it was the first thing that popped into my mind.
My parents suggested I go into animation because of my love for cartoons, which at a point they tried to discourage. Though I was unrelenting in my admiration for anime. But even that was at their suggestion. I mean that's the system right, school, uni, work, marry, kids.
I'm almost done with uni, I've got 3 semesters left, that's like 1 and a half year, and honestly, I've never been more afraid.
I mean, where to next? should I go back home and search for a job? or travel abroad for it? So many possibilities are stretching out in front of me, but each one has a very good potential of being a horrible decision. What if I hit a dead end? who do I turn to?
I can't keep hiding in my parents embrace, waiting in their light for the world to get better. I should try to get out there, but even as I'm thinking it, what does that really mean? What do you do when you "get out there"?
And I don't see myself getting married, and kids are a definite no. Don't get me wrong, I mean, I know I tell people I don't like this, but that's just a half truth. The honest reply is that I'm afraid of them. They all seem so fragile! like I'm one step away from breaking and killing them. And they're so full of energy! I was a very quiet child, kept to myself most of the time. I had a number of imaginary friends, and actual people also frightened me. It wasn't until I was like 18 when I could socialize....and that was only because I learned several forms of self defense and incapacitation techniques.
But now, I don't think I can actually use those anymore. I mean, as an adult, I have to be responsible on how I act. The laws won't favour me if I break a windpipe because I was scared...not that has ever happened before. It's all so fast....well, if you think about it logically, it took 22 years to get here and I guess that's a long time, but I was instructed all that time. Now it just, good luck and get out there. I know my parents prepared me to their best of ability, and I'm probably just over thinking and over reacting to this as is my tradition. But that only lessens it by a bit. Telling yourself you're not afraid doesn't necessarily make the fear go away. In fact, it hardly ever does.
Reading about the percentages of unemployment and how shit the world has gone, just makes me want to hide away. Who do people cope with this kind of pressure? I feel attacked from every angle, and the worst is, that I'm doing this to myself! I think I can finally see why people fear growing up. I never had that much of childhood to brag about, and those were the most loneliest years of my life. I had only my siblings for company, so having friends is a major improvement. I still feel that sometimes I'm a bit of a dick to them, but that's not purposefully...being alone for so long makes you distrustful of other people.
Okay, I just jumped to like four different rants. The only question here is, am I ready to start a life?