I'm posting a little late, but yay..it was my birthday 2 days ago! I'm 22! XD
I wanted to post earlier, but as usual, my internet connection is on a different wavelength to my wishes.
My birthday was both nothing special and at the same time one of the most special days in my existence.
Well the day before, my friends did a small rag tag celebration for the actual day (which I totally saw coming, but it was very sweet of them regardless) and I got 2 presents...or should I say 1 present and 1 shock...inside joke here and I dont want to go into detail about the shock...I'm still reeling from the experience. But after the day ended I went back home feeling a bit depressed because I found out a couple of my friends had a falling out, and being me, with all my abandonment issues...I immediately thought i was the problem...I tried to fix the whole thing, but I think I just made it worse.
So I went to bed with a heavy heart and full of worry... mostly because I really wanted my brother to be here and he's not.
The next day on my birthday, I woke up a bit late to heavy rain. My sister and I actually made plans to go to watch a movie, but after seeing the rain, I didn't want to do anything. I was having one of those days again, where I feel a sadness so powerful that I can't even muster the energy to move.
I told my sister we'd better just cancel and forget the whole day...I just wanted to go back to sleep and wake up on November 3rd. I never wanted the 2nd to even exist. It was a crushing depression and I knew it was due. I was forcing myself to smile for almost 3 whole months. There is a gaping whole inside that I felt could never be filled...when I was alone, I craved for company so bad it hurt, but when I was with people...I just wanted to be left alone. I was ready to convince myself to give up and just forget everything, but my sister was insistent that we celebrate the day. Then she said that birthdays are the day to celebrate existence, and she wanted to celebrated because I meant something to her, and not celebrating meant that we didn't care if I lived or not. It was that statement that brought a round of pure sadness...because for the first time, I felt like my existence meant nothing! I cried, like actual sobbing and tears...the last time I cried that hard was when I left for university...and worse still, I cried infront of someone...I try so hard to keep my sadness to myself.
But it was at that moment that I realized that it wasn't someone, it was my sister...and after the tears and pain. I drifted off to sleep, a short nap. But when I woke like 30 minutes later, the sky was clear and my sister and I had a very fun day out! I got my new phone (Tanjou) and we did some crazy shopping and general goofing off!
For a very long time, I was sad because I felt like the only person who understood the real me, was my brother. But on my birthday, I realised that all my family understands me just fine. :)
It was then that I realised 2 things...
1) I suffer from a type of depression that I should probably look into and have cured...:l
2) I can turn my back on the world, I can have every single person hate me...as long as my family doesn't, I would survive.
So that's why it will be the most momentous birthday ever. Even though I didn't do much, I learned a lot....but mostly I learned that there would be at least 5 people who would be saddened if I wasn't born.
To some people, it may seem like a dumb post, and what does 5 really mean. But for me, and those who know real loneliness...it means a lot, to know that there is at least another soul in this world that cherishes your existence.
For so long I was trying to tip toe around people. Always playing the good guy and hiding my pain because I didn't want to fade away. I'm done playing that role though...I know who my friends are, and I know those who aren't...I'm going to simply be me, if they don't like it...they can deal with it. I want no one's approval anymore! I have the approval of everyone who matters already.
