RAAAH

Okay, so I basically got briefed for all my major assignments this semester (minus the ones from Media Anthropology and Screenwriting..which don't count, because the Media subject is nonsense and I love screenwriting so that's not really an assignment) and I feel like I can do this!
I mean, I am confident that I will succeed in this...not just pass...but actually do good! I CAN DO IT! RAAAH! (that's my confidence roar)
So wish me luck, pray for me, and since you seem to be doing a lot for me...you know, a present wouldn't hurt...just saying...

Registered!!

Okay, so quick update on the train thing.
I went to KL sentral, did what I had to do...bought an awesome book, and then off to the cinema where I watched Sinister (it was hardly scary...spooky maybe, but that's around it) and then got back in one piece!
I recorded some of the events, but then I had my camera confiscated at the cinema because of piracy reasons so I couldn't show only half of it...buuu
Okay, update on that complete, now to the present.
I was freaking out since I hadn't registered and I didn't want to miss any classes on my first day (it would set a bad precedence), but by a stroke for good fortune I found out that the morning class is cancelled and the later class is at 2, which gave me plenty of time to register and wait comfortably in the library for the next class..(I'm blogging from there btw)
SO yeah...that's about it...I wasn't eaten or anything and managed to get a alot done in 2 days!...I also realised I tend to be a little melodramatic, but we're not discussing my many flaws here.

A train trip alone

Okay, so here's the thing.
I have to settle my fees before Monday (that's when classes start), but the closest bank where I can actually go withdraw from is in KL.
Well I'm not sure if it's the closest, but it's the most familiar and I never try anything new alone...I know, it's this weird thing I have.
There used to be one here in Cyberia; in fact, there used to be 2...but they both closed down which means every month I have to make an arduous journey to KL.
Usually, it's not so bad, seeing as I get to spend the day with my Senpai (sister XD) and that's always something to look forward too...but we just went to the bank like 2 days ago and she has her final year thesis to deal with...so today I venture out alone.
Now you may be thinking "It's just a trip to the bank!" ...well, it's a bus ride and a train trip to the bank! and I have a very big fear of buses..that's why I tend to walk everywhere (plus the exercise is good).
I think I'll also go to the mall today and catch a movie...Sinister is out, so I might give that a go. I don't have anything to do and after the horrid experience I am expecting for today pans out, I'm going to need some comfort, familiar relief...that and I really want to watch Sinister! XD

 

Children with blood...what could be better?

 The trailer looks awesome! It's almost quarter past 7 so exercise, eat then shower...I'm trying to get back on my exercise schedule...and I'm not doing it to look good! (I like the way I look). I'm doing it for more energy...I tend to just falter and fall into a state of lethargy...which when being bombarded with assignments, may not be the best condition to be in. :l so yeah...If I don't update, then it's most probably because I was eaten ...or killed then skinned alive...oh god, why a bus?!

KL

Finally, after days of senseless brooding and wallowing myself into a ball of self pity, I finally snapped out of it.
The day was most random; I woke up ridicuously early and just cleaned up the room then took loads of photos of...anything! (though I was the principle subject)...after, I called Senpai and we finally decided to go to KL! we've been planning it for ages but there was always something in the way. And After hanging out with Senpai I realised why I was so depressed the past days...I was lonely! I mean, just that day and I felt much better...I missed the sound of another voice apart from my own. I find it so ironic, that I was complaining about how I can't stand people, and here the problem was that I was feeling alone!

PIE!!!

Talking to sister...I don't think she was paying attenion :l

PASTA!!!

Can't remember the name, but there was a bluegh in there :3

Over all, a rather fun and tiring day!

Stressed

Every nerve in my body is stressed! Why am I stressed? Let me try to clarify because I don't really know what's stressing me!
Firstly, the results came out but seeing as I am still barred I can't know if I passed or not, and the suspense is murder!
Secondly, I haven't registered because of reason A, and I really don't want to register only to find out that I failed the subject!
Thirdly, I don't feel so pious right now! I mean if I died tomorrow, i'd go to hell for sure...but I'm not doing anything about it!
Fourthly, I made a diet and exercise plan which I was supposed to follow for 7 weeks and I hardly did one!! So I feel awful about that of course!
Fifthly,  I was trying to be more active this holiday and all I've done is research on stuff but hadn't actually put the knowledge to practice!
Sixthly, I just realised that people actually read my blog and all this time I've been ranting about hate and the stupidity of relationships when a dear friend was struggling with love! So I want to clarify here that all of this is just my understanding (or lack of understanding) of the way of the world. I had a rough and lonely childhood with a lot of betrayal and hurtful teasing which made my heart hardened to people. I can't trust them anymore because the 3 times I actually threw all my faith into someone, they all let me down and I was left broken. So everyone else pursue happy dreams and so on, I don't believe in it, but then I'm also afraid of purple goblins, stickers and empty wrappers.
and Lastly, I just feel so painfully alone. I know, how is this stressing me out? but everytime I think about my future, I scare myself by how empty it would be...and I love my family but they have thier lives to live as well...I can't be that creepy uncle who never seems to go away o.O...i mean I used to find my uncles a but annoying when I was younger and I guess this is karma right?
I don't know....it just feels like I am being overwhelmed with things I can't control...I know I should trust God and just live day by day, but that's easier said than done...

Pressured

I am really feeling pressured right now!
I know I just posted seconds ago, but even more things to stress me out! I just feel like I'm not ready for all this. I want to make my parents happy, but at the same time, I don't want the things they want me to do.
I understand to heed the council of your parents is wise, but still, I wish I were more free to make my own mistakes. I understand they want what is best for me...but sometimes I wish they would let me choose wrong and learn from the experience...I know, I'm being especially whiny and in the long run I'd probably realize that I shouldn't be such a brat...but I'm young, and we're known to complain about life and stuff...
Seriously Taiki...just shut up and do what they asked. They sacrificed a lot for you, this is the least you can do for them...

Still not understanding

There are certain kinds of love I can understand; like the love of a parent or a sibling...these are obligations...and the love for a faith or  a cause; the passion of the drive is so overwhelming that it engulfs you.
But love for another person? How can you trust someone completely!? I could never think of opening myself totally to another soul, save for my brother. I have secrets from everyone. Secrets so deep, so personal that I would never even dare utter them in silence. These are secrets so sensitive that I don't even think about them when I'm with others; not a single soul...human or otherwise can ever know them. Have you ever experienced something like that? I bet everyone has...something so personal they wouldn't trust to anyone else in fear that it may be repeated.
For me, a secret is between yourself and you. The moment you tell anyone else, it's no longer a secret...regardless of how trustworthy they are...
Okay, I just ranted way of topic here...but I just don't understand how people can so freely open themselves to pain. Why would you even want that?
I know love doesn't exist! If it does, it's brief and fleeting. If I ever get married, which is another constitution I don't believe in, it won't be for love. That's the most silliest thing I ever heard of.
That's like buying a house because you liked the colour! NO SENSE!
Such a big commitment for such a trivial reason.
No, I firmly believe that all of this is just what the media forces down our throats making us believe that fairy tales do exist! Marriages end up in divorces almost equally as they survive, which proves just how efficient marrying for love is!
So yes, I may seem cruel and heartless but facing the facts here. I am nothing, if thorough. I make every decisive calculation before pursuing a cause. From what I can gather, all this nonsense is an act of faith ...I am a Muslim because the signs have been made clear to me...I can see the reality of my religion as clear as I can see light. I know the truth of what I am being taught. But this, these are practices of mortals...people who make mistakes...how can I take that seriously?

The price I paid.

.We are all weak, that's why we crave the company of others...kindred souls that help us when we stumble.So the question is, how can you have a kindred spirit when you are soulless?
Does fire have a soul mate?
 I am fire. I am the burning. I am destruction, not creation. I am consuming, engulfing...
A flame provides warmth from a distance, but burns when touched.
I thrive on chaos and madness, not love and compassion.
My drive is determination. My commitment is only to myself.
I wish I were different. I wish I could gaze at the heavens and see beauty, but I can't. All I see is logic.
Cool, rationalized logic.
The way of world doesn't make sense to me. Try as hard as I might, I cannot understand the thinking of people.
I am water. I am running swift current of change; a wave of unrelenting resolution beating against the rocks of belief.
I am a contradiction to myself. My ideals cut through my beliefs; faith through logic. I am a whirlpool of confusion. Tossing and turning upon myself into a gradual descent to madness.
But what I know for a fact; the one mirror that I can see myself clearly in...is that I am not good.
A drop of misery has turned me into a demon. A self loathing spirit of vengeance. I sold my heart to the devil, and bought the energy to hate, for that is what I do best...hate.

Never again.

He followed his heart once; and he paid the price with pain.

He followed his heart twice, and he was left devastated.

So when his heart asked him, once more, to follow…he sealed it shut, dried his eyes, and walked away, for he swore a long time ago that he would never again listen to lies of the heart.

Borderline sanity

Okay! I'm a weirdo! I admit some of my habits tend to be slightly...manic...and there has been the occasion where I myself seemed to doubt my own sanity. But doesn't that prove I'm sane? I mean, I judged myself from a third perspective and found that though I do exhibit some characteristics of being unhinged, overall I am, in fact a well balanced individual...okay, well balanced is a bit of a stretch, but balanced enough!
Regardless, I am a fully functional member of a society...which society, i'm not quite sure yet.
But sometimes I feel like there's something wrong with me. I mean, I don't feel wrong; it's just the looks I get from others that speak volumes of my difference...like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to...but in defense, everything I do makes perfect sense to me...it's them who have it all confused.
Biggest issue I guess is why I don't have a girlfriend, but I don't see why I would need one! I'm not looking for marriage or children or emotional support...and I'm way to moral to be promiscuous!...moral enough more like it...but still every time I rationalize my thinking with others they give me a look that has pity and confusion! I don't like it! and I shouldn't have to explain myself to them!
and then there's the whole going out thing! I mean, once a week should be enough shouldn't? But they seem to find a need to spend every waking moment together! why?! I haven't the slightest idea! The weekly think is in fact a little more than I can handle, I'd prefer once a month! There are a special few who I don't mind spending time with, but even they know that I have my limits and work well to adjust to it!
It's fun and all, don't get me wrong. I enjoy the moments, but if we spend every second together then the moments would lose their significance, distance makes the heart grow stronger right?
I don't know, I think I'm just babbling...