I need to rant. I have no other outlet because this is very personal, which now as I'm typing I realize that posting it to a public blog may be the most dumbest thing I've ever done, but still....If I keep this is any longer I'm going to explode.
So far, I've been alone. I mean, for as long as I can remember, I've never truly belonged to a group of friends. They would always have their critical key friendship moments and I wouldn't be there. Not because I was busy, but simply I didn't want to go. Which now I realise, I'm selfish. The reason I don't have close friends is because I don't allow them to get close. I give them reason to stay away from me. I don't mean this is a I'm a dangerous vampire edward way, rather I just pull away when they become too friendly with me.
I have never had an honest conversation with someone. The moment it gets just a little real I pull away. I wasn't bothered by this when I was younger and actually was glad that nobody knew the real me. But now I realise, that nobody knows the real me. It's a bit sad if you think about it, that not one person can truly explain me. I don't mean that they understand me entirely but just as a person. My dreams and fears. My hopes and sadness. Nothing. I never told a soul, and if I did I lied and edited. I exaggerated and I don't really know why.
The truth?
I'm fairly sure I'm in love with my classmate, in fact I can't call her a classmate because I feel like I'm demeaning her. I couldn't be with her in our final group and it crushed me. I was devastated for weeks trying to find the courage to tell her. I made a commitment earlier and I was going to break it for her.
I can't think anymore. I can't breathe. It's annoying and heart wrenching. Part of me wishes I never met her and another part is telling the first to shut up.
If she had a boyfriend or something I could finally move on I think. But she doesn't! The saddest thing is that nothing good can come of this. Religiously I can't date for fun, and I can't get married because she doesn't follow my religion....and that doesn't bother me in the slightest, but I can't explain that to my father. I can't break his heart like this. Religion is the one thing my father takes with utmost sincerity. When no one believed in me he let me go to an art school, even with a vague future. I can't destroy his trust like this, but at the same time, my heart feels like it's been torn asunder. There are days when I can't stand to look at her but regret not catching a glimpse. And the thing is, she's not the perfect girl. In fact she as far from girly as I know. She's loud and abrasive. Noisy, perveted and sometimes downright mean. But she has a big heart and she cares very deeply. She cries during sad endings and holds hands when crossing roads. She doesn't stand for injustice and apologizes when she makes mistakes. ...This is the third time this story is being told...but now it's different.
The first was with a classmate who belonged to another.
The second was a friend who was just hurt.
And now this...
Now you're probably wondering how I went from talking about trust issues to love? Well if you're not you're not very observant.
Anyways, it's simple. I lied.
When anyone asked if I liked anyone I lied. When she asked if I ever think about relationships, I push her away and say that it's pointless. I gave her every reason to stay away from me and with every lie I feel like I'm breaking just a little inside. I wish all of this could go away. I wish I could sever my feelings from myself...but then I think about the tranquil from dragon age and suddenly the idea doesn't seem as compelling. (I'm a nerd I know)
Anyways, I needed to get that out because keeping it in was giving me a headache. Throw it to the wind and watch the colours dance in the breeze...I'm one dramatic asshole.
