Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Regret

So far since I've joined university there hasn't been anything that I regret doing, or not doing...until now.
I've always lead a logical lifestyle, on the outside anyways. That served me fairly well. When I talk of logic here, I am of course refering to my own logic. Things which may not make sense to others but to me are perfectly sound.
A good example would be when someone I liked confessed to me. My heart of course would like nothing better to take it further but my mind had to think closely about the situation. I mean the relationship was destined to end at a point which would lead to heartbreak and resentment. My father would definetely not approve and I'd hate to disappoint. And I have to focus on my studies because I'm already struggling to maintain a 3.5 CGPA. So as much as I would have liked to, logic demanded otherwise. Of course, I was depressed about it for a while. In fact for more than a while, I was always second guessing myself and wondering if I did the right thing. She did find someone else and got her happily ever after, so I guess I can finally forgive myself for what I did. And if I wasn't thinking logically, I would have ruined it for her. So there were no regrets there.
But mostly recently, as I was applying for my internship, I was very hesitant. Logic here was not my friend. I played it safe and was tarnished for it. I should've trusted in my own abilities. I should've known myself better, I mean there was no guarantee, but that shouldn't have stopped me. But it did, and now that is my most singular regret...I hesitated because I read the signs wrong. I fooled myself into thinking that I was thinking smart, when I was just being a coward about it all. I did the one thing I hate the most. I was indecisive.
Whenever I make a decision, I take it full throttle. Consequence be damned! I will deal with anything that comes my way, as it comes my way. But as long as I make a choice, I can handle the rest. Here, I didn't do a thing. Sure inaction can be considered as a choice on it's own, but I wasn't planning to be inactive. I didn't plan for shit! I did nothing. My mind was just reeling with blank thoughts.
My biggest regret to date is inaction, and here I can vow, I will never stand side lined in my own life again.

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